Give yourself a break

Yesterday I was reminded of how intensely I observe children. Getting through meals with preparation , serving and eating, constantly anticipating what's going to go wrong and be a safety or care issue, thinking up new and interesting ways to be in relationship, listening as they try to get their thoughts out then lose track or grow self conscious, all take enormous amounts of concentration and being 'on' no matter what the age. From infancy to young adulthood we focus so much on our kids we literally lose ourselves.

So today I give you the tip of the century. Think of yourself as an air traffic controller. Your responsibilities are the same, the pressures are the same, the skill set is the same. They take a break every fifteen minutes! Do you?  Do it. Every fifteen minutes, absent yourself from the game for just a minute or two. Things will be fine. You will be fresher, and more attentive and less resentful of the demands.

Whistle a happy tune, think about a hobby, attend to something that needs to be put on 'the to do list'. Obviously stay physically present, but just check out for a minute. Yes, make sure all is well before you take your mini break. And no more than sixty seconds or so...but change your focus. Watch a butterfly out the window, change the radio channel, something that freshens you a bit.

You will be able to hang in there for the long haul much more easily. More small breaks makes you feel less desperate to disengage. Try it... You'll see it works.
Love,
Deborah

Balance

Aghhh! Halloween! Many parents' moral dilemma....and kids' favorite holiday. Halloween is, as my colleague Lana Rae once noted, all about kids having power! Yea power!

But the candy, the scary, the excess, the peer pressure. Yikes! What to do?? It's simple. Review the last ten days and build a program of balance into the celebration.

Have they been to three different birthday parties in the last ten days? Dial down the candy. Was the last party two months ago? Splurge a little bit.

Do clowns scare them? Stick to family and friends for trick or treating. Are they fearless? Hit the mall.

Holidays, like any other experience, are best celebrated in the flow of life. Decisions are easier made when you see where you and your children have been activity wise and what's coming up in the next few days.

Rules made out of the context of life become meaningless and arbitrary and usually have to do with our personal baggage and not everyday reality.

Have fun tomorrow as a family. It means harvest is over and it's time to hunker down for a cozy, reflective winter of indoor sports and gatherings and celebrations and weather that makes us appreciate the rotation of days.
Love,
Deborah

Across the Board

Let me show you why you have to just settle in for the long haul.

For example, tears. Tears when you are pregnant or enduring the adoption process may be emotionally driven, or physically driven, or reactionary to an event or another person's actions.

Tears in a baby may be emotionally driven or physically driven, or reactionary to an event or another person's actions.

Tears in a preschooler may be....
Tears in a latency child...
Tears in a tweener...
A teen...
A young adult

Get the idea? The challenge with parenting is not that the days are so long and the situations are so complicated. The challenge with parenting is that the problems get solved and then suddenly you're right back where you started from, in both your child and yourself.

So how do you accept the repetitive nature of parenting? Pace yourself. Change your expectations. Remind yourself eventually there will be new pleasures that will mediate the struggles and hard physical and emotional work. Commit to the sacrifice. Teach yourself to love one new part of the process every six months.
If you don't, resentment will build. Not good.
Let me know what you think.
Love,
Deborah

Why you don't ever need to spank

Next time your in line in the grocery store and someone has , say, more than the allotted number of items just step forward and swat 'em a good one on the butt. Or if they are crowding you as you are being rung out, take you hand and smack them on the back of the wrist while scolding , 'stop that!!'.

Rediculous advice isn't? All over adult culture there is a taboo against hitting, striking, or swatting other adults. Yet in some circles, hitting children is seen as not only OK but good for them.

If you are in that fulture, stop that. Next time tell yourself :
A. It doesn't help, teach, guide , direct, or nurture.
B. Your child loses respect for and trust in you when you do it.
C. It's really bad for you because it makes you a violent person.

If they aren't listening and obeying either find another way to say it, move them away from the area, or try again later.

But never hit! OK? Never hit. If you wouldn't do it to an adult, don't do it to a child! Seriously.
Love,
Deborah

Peaceful Parenting

My thought for you this evening as the sun sets behind the mountains, is of peace. Inner peace.

Do you remember a time before the hecticness  of children when you had perhaps five minutes of total peace

I'm tired tonight and a lengthy post is not in the cards, but I want to remind you that one of the most important things you can do is model inner peace for your child. Make sure you create, and they catch you, having a few seconds 'off duty'. Let them see your personhood peeking through. In less than a decade they will be pretty much their own person, whether they are still in your womb, a preschooler or a teen.

Show them what it looks like to be a person by letting them see you have a moment of inner peace.
Have a nice night's rest is what we say in our house.
Love,
Deborah

Seeing the Best

This morning I had the chance to watch a father loping along for a morning walk, bundle of tussled hair strapped to his back, face buried into Daddy's shoulder, obviously asleep by the way his body's limply  bouncing limbs mimicked Dad's gait and stride.

I remember the peace of feeling my children on my back as I walked to wherever when they were young. All my authority as a parent grew stronger within me knowing they were up and out of harm's way and we were moving forward.

It is, however, the face to face moments that prove challenging as parents. Looking into their eyes and or having them look into mine created opportunities for growth and joy,or power struggles and melt downs. Interactions are the rudders of relationship boats.

Here's what I suggest . When you look into your child's eyes, remember from whence they have come. Call to mind their ability to be in a different place, to learn, to grow. See their gifts and talents. See their hopes and desires. See their trust and love. Imagine who they will be as adults...in a good way. Then speak your affirmation or instruction out of that.

Whether you are holding a newborn or going toe to toe with a teen, or somewhere in between, slow yourself down at least once a week, if not more often to just look in your child's eyes to see their past, the growth, and the possibilities for the future.

It is comforting and peaceful when they are strapped to us or asleep in safety, but the substance of parenting happens eye to eye. Make the most of it. While your mouth is moving, let tour heart be touched by what your eyes see. It will change the course of your famil's boat.
Love,
Deborah

Self Care and/or Self Nurture

There's always a little guilt in writing this blog. Since the kids are all grown, some of them with kids of their own, my time and relationship to time is very different than when there were four demanding kids and a hungry husband at home.

What has astounded me is how minimal my self care and self nurture have been. With thelast child   officially on her own with a completely developed pre frontal cortex, I am struggling to put in place the good habits I streamlined or stripped to the bare minimum while I was raising the kids and leading a family.

Silly things like taking off my make up faithfully and moisturizing and exercising as well as the bigger task of feeding my brain and ministering to my soul present themselves in such a way I find myself falling into old self talk that says I don't have time.

Here's my point. Be careful how much you beat up on yourself. You are, indeed, much busier than you think you are! Applaud yourself for the little you are able to do and pat yourself on the back if you even have the remotest sense of self. The day will come when you will have more time. Truly. I promise. For now, indulge yourself as much self care and self nurture as you can. Be at peace. Raising children is a sacrificial activity. You're doing great!
Love,
Deborah