Experiencing Thanksgiving while I was living in Europe was truly unique. It was no holiday in which banks or government offices or schools were closed. We simply gathered together as Americans to eat what we could find of traditional Thanksgiving foods. And the children with me heard the familiar tradition of going around the table and listing those things for which we are thankful.
Teaching a child to say thank you is a wonderful experience. Whatever gaps there may be in my children's experiences as adults, they do know they have reason to be thankful. And with each child I've come across I have passed on the wonderful experience of giving thanks.
This weekend, no matter where you are in the world, sit and make a list of all the things you are grateful for about your children. You will see them in a new light, and the burden and confusion of caring for them will seem less.
Happy Thanksgivin
Love,
Deborah
Tuesday, November 20, 2012
Tuesday, November 13, 2012
One Step Ahead
If it's Tuesday I must be thinking about what's involved with raising children.
And so I am. Today I was considering all my wee, tween, and teens in my care both special needs and typical.
Listening to the words I speak to their parents I recognized that one of the hallmarks of those conversations is the admonishment to keep an eye on where the next stage of development for your child or teen will be.
It isn't that we are wishing away our off springs' days. It is that we are building in today what they will need tomorrow. They can't see next and so rely on us to help them make good choices about what to keep and what to discard in their behaviors and attitudes ...without squelching or killing their spirits and their personalities, hopes and dreams whether tested or tried or left wanting. Now THAT's a balancing act.
How do we encourage them to grow strong and secure in themselves prepared for what lies ahead without locking them into fear of the unknown? We do it by example and that wonderful paradox of the now and the not yet. It is where the righteousness of good solid development as human beings that will contribute newness and goodness to the future world is rooted.
It is also the hardest part of child rearing. Never more so do we have to unhook the buttons where we have been prewired or set down the baggage from our past to which we cling.
You can do it! You can keep abreast of all this, and still keep them company. Care for yourself but do not absent yourself from them emotionally because this balance is too weighty or tenuous or precarious along side the living of our own lives.
Keep trying. Hold it all in tension. You will notice your children are aware of your gift and appreciate the company and thrill of leaning into the unknown while you hold their hearts for them in sacred trust of all that they will become.
Love,
Deborah
And so I am. Today I was considering all my wee, tween, and teens in my care both special needs and typical.
Listening to the words I speak to their parents I recognized that one of the hallmarks of those conversations is the admonishment to keep an eye on where the next stage of development for your child or teen will be.
It isn't that we are wishing away our off springs' days. It is that we are building in today what they will need tomorrow. They can't see next and so rely on us to help them make good choices about what to keep and what to discard in their behaviors and attitudes ...without squelching or killing their spirits and their personalities, hopes and dreams whether tested or tried or left wanting. Now THAT's a balancing act.
How do we encourage them to grow strong and secure in themselves prepared for what lies ahead without locking them into fear of the unknown? We do it by example and that wonderful paradox of the now and the not yet. It is where the righteousness of good solid development as human beings that will contribute newness and goodness to the future world is rooted.
It is also the hardest part of child rearing. Never more so do we have to unhook the buttons where we have been prewired or set down the baggage from our past to which we cling.
You can do it! You can keep abreast of all this, and still keep them company. Care for yourself but do not absent yourself from them emotionally because this balance is too weighty or tenuous or precarious along side the living of our own lives.
Keep trying. Hold it all in tension. You will notice your children are aware of your gift and appreciate the company and thrill of leaning into the unknown while you hold their hearts for them in sacred trust of all that they will become.
Love,
Deborah
Tuesday, October 30, 2012
The Key to Long Days
Self care consists of many things....I'm just going to knit a few rows I was heard to say to the two and half year old holding a car next to me. My arms were 'baby tired'. I had held the wee one for so long that it felt like she was still in my arms long after I had put her down when she finally reached deep sleep.
I got three stitches done before I realized he was really wanting me to play with the airplane. Three wonderful stitches, a chance to look at something grown up.
Here's what I wished I known when my kids were small. The key to longevity in parenting is many small breaks. I mean like as if you were an air traffic controller. You know they take a mini break every fifteen minutes. It increases their vigilance.
What are the small things you can do?
--Well...get up and take a drink of water and stand by the sink and think about a time in the future that you dream of or a time in the past when you had a really good time.
-- Keep a really good book by your side and read just two paragraphs. Truly....
--Turn the radio on.
-- Change you clothes.
-- Step outside for a moment and take a deep breath.
--Peal an orange and eat it.
-- Keep a jigsaw puzzle going and put a piece in.
Your child will not fall off the wall of burn themselves or be lost in wailing. Take your time at that moment when they are lost in their own play. Or, tell them they can do such and such all by themselves by a moment, and keeping them in your sphere, but not engaged directly, take that mini break.
It will not make you more rested at the end of the day. It doesn't supplant Mommy or Daddy care time or date night. But it does freshen your focus and your attitude for the next half hour so you can go distance.
Pick one from the list and go do it now. You will feel better.
Love,
Deborah
I got three stitches done before I realized he was really wanting me to play with the airplane. Three wonderful stitches, a chance to look at something grown up.
Here's what I wished I known when my kids were small. The key to longevity in parenting is many small breaks. I mean like as if you were an air traffic controller. You know they take a mini break every fifteen minutes. It increases their vigilance.
What are the small things you can do?
--Well...get up and take a drink of water and stand by the sink and think about a time in the future that you dream of or a time in the past when you had a really good time.
-- Keep a really good book by your side and read just two paragraphs. Truly....
--Turn the radio on.
-- Change you clothes.
-- Step outside for a moment and take a deep breath.
--Peal an orange and eat it.
-- Keep a jigsaw puzzle going and put a piece in.
Your child will not fall off the wall of burn themselves or be lost in wailing. Take your time at that moment when they are lost in their own play. Or, tell them they can do such and such all by themselves by a moment, and keeping them in your sphere, but not engaged directly, take that mini break.
It will not make you more rested at the end of the day. It doesn't supplant Mommy or Daddy care time or date night. But it does freshen your focus and your attitude for the next half hour so you can go distance.
Pick one from the list and go do it now. You will feel better.
Love,
Deborah
Tuesday, October 16, 2012
Baby Nice Nice
I have a new wee one I get to hold a lot. It's brought back such wonderful realizations about babyhood and engaging and bonding. And tears... how could I have forgotten how many tears a baby sheds?
To some of you, tears might be a really bad thing. They make you tense don't they? I say to myself when I hear a baby's tears, "That child can certainly speak for himself or herself!" Listen to tears as language, conversation.
Later in life baby tears, our tears, become mood and context specific. Before speed, tears ARE speech.
So...when that moment comes when the tears provoke in you a reaction of despair and questioning, think of them as an ill articulated speech. If a child or another adult speaks so you can't understand them, do you go to that place of annoyance or despair? No...you say, "what? Could you say that again?
Watch your baby's mouth when they aren't crying. You will see the lips moving to try to imitate your sounds. That's the key to tears. It's the non-tears, other moments of engagement and communication that will give you a new handle on tears.
What do I mean? This moment...you are holding your baby so your faces are touching and his or her little mouth is moving and they are smiling and you are speaking gently and you are just oh so in love with that little person and they do that wide open mouth first little kiss thing where you put your cheek up to show them how and all is at peace ....THAT is where you ground yourself when they start to cry endlessly.
You will gradually be teaching them how to express discomfort and displeasure and anger and sadness. Keep your voice soft and supple, take a few breaths for relaxation and disengage enough to be the adult. It will help the most when you are exhausted. Remember to make the most of baby nice nice.
Soon enough their tears will be about more complicated situations than a wet bottom or a tummy ache or a hungry tummy or the inability to put themselves to sleep. Enjoy the simplicity of the possibilities, create many moments of Baby Nice Nice and prepare for seasons of relational tears, and discouragement tears, and inadequacy tears. What a change from the days when saying the long vowel sounds could help entertain!
Love,
Deborah
To some of you, tears might be a really bad thing. They make you tense don't they? I say to myself when I hear a baby's tears, "That child can certainly speak for himself or herself!" Listen to tears as language, conversation.
Later in life baby tears, our tears, become mood and context specific. Before speed, tears ARE speech.
So...when that moment comes when the tears provoke in you a reaction of despair and questioning, think of them as an ill articulated speech. If a child or another adult speaks so you can't understand them, do you go to that place of annoyance or despair? No...you say, "what? Could you say that again?
Watch your baby's mouth when they aren't crying. You will see the lips moving to try to imitate your sounds. That's the key to tears. It's the non-tears, other moments of engagement and communication that will give you a new handle on tears.
What do I mean? This moment...you are holding your baby so your faces are touching and his or her little mouth is moving and they are smiling and you are speaking gently and you are just oh so in love with that little person and they do that wide open mouth first little kiss thing where you put your cheek up to show them how and all is at peace ....THAT is where you ground yourself when they start to cry endlessly.
You will gradually be teaching them how to express discomfort and displeasure and anger and sadness. Keep your voice soft and supple, take a few breaths for relaxation and disengage enough to be the adult. It will help the most when you are exhausted. Remember to make the most of baby nice nice.
Soon enough their tears will be about more complicated situations than a wet bottom or a tummy ache or a hungry tummy or the inability to put themselves to sleep. Enjoy the simplicity of the possibilities, create many moments of Baby Nice Nice and prepare for seasons of relational tears, and discouragement tears, and inadequacy tears. What a change from the days when saying the long vowel sounds could help entertain!
Love,
Deborah
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
Resting in the World of Children
One of the hardest parts of parenting is simply living in the world , the time zone , of children. It's so slow, so demanding, and sometimes seems boring. But if children find we are not in their zone, trouble ensues. We either grow longings we can't satisfy completely and continuously for the adult world or our children let us know they do not feel we are engaging with them.
How to make it easier? Remember how insular you once were. Could you have imagined what it would be like to be this tired before you had children? Could you imagine how much inventory there would be to care for them? When you were a teenager, did adults seem like they had privilege or concern?
Someday when your kids are grown you will look back and see how little of the total life cycle it's possible to see from each life stage.
So too for your little ones, or 'tweeners, or teenagers. They can't see ahead either.
What to do? Reframe 'selfishness' as 'limited perspective'. It is much easier to respond to someone's 'limited perspective' than it is to get out of unhooking from the resentment cycle when you think you are responding to someone being selfish. They aren't being selfish. Their desire to have you in their lives comes from a place of enjoyment. They just don't have a bigger perspective on other possibilities for engagement.
Focus on broadening their perspective rather than chastising them for 'selfishness'. You'll feel better, they'll learn something and together you can leap to the next step of development.
Sometimes parents are Tour Guides! Enjoy your entourage ...
Love,
Deborah
How to make it easier? Remember how insular you once were. Could you have imagined what it would be like to be this tired before you had children? Could you imagine how much inventory there would be to care for them? When you were a teenager, did adults seem like they had privilege or concern?
Someday when your kids are grown you will look back and see how little of the total life cycle it's possible to see from each life stage.
So too for your little ones, or 'tweeners, or teenagers. They can't see ahead either.
What to do? Reframe 'selfishness' as 'limited perspective'. It is much easier to respond to someone's 'limited perspective' than it is to get out of unhooking from the resentment cycle when you think you are responding to someone being selfish. They aren't being selfish. Their desire to have you in their lives comes from a place of enjoyment. They just don't have a bigger perspective on other possibilities for engagement.
Focus on broadening their perspective rather than chastising them for 'selfishness'. You'll feel better, they'll learn something and together you can leap to the next step of development.
Sometimes parents are Tour Guides! Enjoy your entourage ...
Love,
Deborah
Monday, July 16, 2012
A Time to Parent
I know, I know, it's just so hard to spend the time parenting. One vaguely remembers the time when you were only responsible to care for yourself and perhaps a significant other. Maybe you were good at that and maybe it was a challenge.
And now, one , two , three, or who knows how many others have arrived and you find yourself counting each act of caring as sacrificial. Eventually you discover a habit of caring that reworks your lifestyle.
I don't want to put a spin on it. Because the miracle factor will always kick in when you start counting the cost. This being a parent, having a child, is such a miracle. Engaging, Encouraging, Extending the experiences of your child is just a gift.
There is no telling what they will do when they are older, adults, like you. Maybe they will ring home everyday, maybe they will live next door, maybe they will call once a week, or month. But now, now you are close. So sink into it. Treasure every difficult moment whether it's getting them out of bed or feeding them in the night or explaining things they don't want explanations for or playing with them when you have a 'to do' list that is making you feel out of control.
Look in those faces and save today on your brain's hard drive. Keep it special. Review it at the end of the day and wake up the next morning ready to reboot and reload.
OK...off the computer or your phone or ipad, whatever it is you are reading this on, and back to engaging with your kids!
Love,
Deborah
And now, one , two , three, or who knows how many others have arrived and you find yourself counting each act of caring as sacrificial. Eventually you discover a habit of caring that reworks your lifestyle.
I don't want to put a spin on it. Because the miracle factor will always kick in when you start counting the cost. This being a parent, having a child, is such a miracle. Engaging, Encouraging, Extending the experiences of your child is just a gift.
There is no telling what they will do when they are older, adults, like you. Maybe they will ring home everyday, maybe they will live next door, maybe they will call once a week, or month. But now, now you are close. So sink into it. Treasure every difficult moment whether it's getting them out of bed or feeding them in the night or explaining things they don't want explanations for or playing with them when you have a 'to do' list that is making you feel out of control.
Look in those faces and save today on your brain's hard drive. Keep it special. Review it at the end of the day and wake up the next morning ready to reboot and reload.
OK...off the computer or your phone or ipad, whatever it is you are reading this on, and back to engaging with your kids!
Love,
Deborah
Tuesday, June 5, 2012
Just a little bit
I overheard a parent talking the other day in short hand to a child. It was the brevity she needed to speak quickly, but too dense and distracting for the child to understand. Remember to use as little language as possible when directing a child. Otherwise they will move into their version of 'yada, yada, yada' which includes turning off the sentences they don't hear because they are processing the first parts of your words.
And when you are being brief, use language that is meaningful to them. Saying... 'get down from that right now or you're going to get hurt' is useless to a child.
They have to figure out:
'get' down' --- lost in the thought of how that will happen-- and then they have to go to 'from that'... impossible. --- which 'what' does that adult mean? The 'what I'm standing on? Another 'what I haven't seen?' This isn't the 'what' I want to get down from so they must mean something else."..
Then...
'right now'. -- How immediate can 'right now' be? Do you mean, my kind of 'right now' as a child? or do you mean your kind of 'right now' which I don't like because I don't know why and what's going to come after so I never like to respond to 'right now' especially if you use that big firm tone?
"Or you'll get hurt!"--- no way, not going to happen, don't care if it does, forgot the last time so don't have a concern about getting hurt."
See.... and then you're going to repeat it like they didn't hear it ,right?
Go short... just a little bit... wait for absorption... little bit more. Reflect, ...wait.... Oh! I get it! You want me to move from up high to down low because you think it's not safe up here!
Try this.... "Move your feet to the ground and bring your hands down too." Then AFTER they're down..."I asked you to do that because it didn't feel safe to me watching you be that high"
Much better...
Love,
Deborah
And when you are being brief, use language that is meaningful to them. Saying... 'get down from that right now or you're going to get hurt' is useless to a child.
They have to figure out:
'get' down' --- lost in the thought of how that will happen-- and then they have to go to 'from that'... impossible. --- which 'what' does that adult mean? The 'what I'm standing on? Another 'what I haven't seen?' This isn't the 'what' I want to get down from so they must mean something else."..
Then...
'right now'. -- How immediate can 'right now' be? Do you mean, my kind of 'right now' as a child? or do you mean your kind of 'right now' which I don't like because I don't know why and what's going to come after so I never like to respond to 'right now' especially if you use that big firm tone?
"Or you'll get hurt!"--- no way, not going to happen, don't care if it does, forgot the last time so don't have a concern about getting hurt."
See.... and then you're going to repeat it like they didn't hear it ,right?
Go short... just a little bit... wait for absorption... little bit more. Reflect, ...wait.... Oh! I get it! You want me to move from up high to down low because you think it's not safe up here!
Try this.... "Move your feet to the ground and bring your hands down too." Then AFTER they're down..."I asked you to do that because it didn't feel safe to me watching you be that high"
Much better...
Love,
Deborah
Saturday, May 12, 2012
Take Five
Just a tidbit today;something to make things easier I hope. After you have given your child an instruction, take five minutes to let them deal with it. Think of it. How many times has someone asked or told you to do something and you stall... just a little... just until you can own the idea as your own. That's what your child is doing.
Give your child a few minutes to own the thought as his or her own. It will keep you out of the power struggle. It will help you reframe the question as something they can consider. Yes, there are times when it will be necessary to say 'because I said so' and certainly we want to help our children be responsive to directions without having to question absolutely everything. But before you go for the push, help them learn to trust you and build a relationship as they receive your directions.
Example...( after the requisite five and three minute warnings). "It's time to put ( whatever) away. --beat,beat,beat-- 'Can you think of a way that you can tell yourself it's time to stop?''
Better cue.
Try it....
Love,
Deborah
Give your child a few minutes to own the thought as his or her own. It will keep you out of the power struggle. It will help you reframe the question as something they can consider. Yes, there are times when it will be necessary to say 'because I said so' and certainly we want to help our children be responsive to directions without having to question absolutely everything. But before you go for the push, help them learn to trust you and build a relationship as they receive your directions.
Example...( after the requisite five and three minute warnings). "It's time to put ( whatever) away. --beat,beat,beat-- 'Can you think of a way that you can tell yourself it's time to stop?''
Better cue.
Try it....
Love,
Deborah
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
Speed parenting
This last week I was in bed fighting off the germs caught from several of my lovely dripping charges. Whereas twenty years ago I thought I would never know a moment alone again.......now... it is amazing to me that I can go hours on end here at home with no one asking for anything, sharing anything, or just checking to make sure I'm still here.
Moments that seemed so intense I thought time had stopped, decisions that seemed so weighty I thought the world's gravitational pulled relied on them, encounters so significant I envisioned ruining my childrens' adult lives if I did not make them happen, and the endless procession of meal plans or menus at the end proved themselves to be fleeting at best.
Now , two of my children are involved with those moments in the lives of their own children. The other two are feeling the weight of the day's responsibilities in ever increasing ways the same as any other grown adult: too much 'to do' list and too short a day.
Remember to stop for just sixty seconds today, really gaze at your child or each of your children if you are so blessed and say to yourself, "This is the last day they will be this old." Then savour it. No... really savour it. Soon enough they will be gone and their only presence or demand will be a gallery of photos hung on the wall asking to be dusted.
No matter the demands of today, it is but for a moment. Remember to thank them for being your child.
Love,
Deborah
Moments that seemed so intense I thought time had stopped, decisions that seemed so weighty I thought the world's gravitational pulled relied on them, encounters so significant I envisioned ruining my childrens' adult lives if I did not make them happen, and the endless procession of meal plans or menus at the end proved themselves to be fleeting at best.
Now , two of my children are involved with those moments in the lives of their own children. The other two are feeling the weight of the day's responsibilities in ever increasing ways the same as any other grown adult: too much 'to do' list and too short a day.
Remember to stop for just sixty seconds today, really gaze at your child or each of your children if you are so blessed and say to yourself, "This is the last day they will be this old." Then savour it. No... really savour it. Soon enough they will be gone and their only presence or demand will be a gallery of photos hung on the wall asking to be dusted.
No matter the demands of today, it is but for a moment. Remember to thank them for being your child.
Love,
Deborah
Sunday, April 22, 2012
As the sun sets....
Just a note of encouragement to all of you who are doing battle with the bedtime routine.......remember to keep it simple and direct, expect kickback but honor your own maturity in being able to repeat after me:
"I hear that this is not something you want to do, but the day is over and now is the time to let your body fall asleep. I love you."
"I hear that this is not something you want to do, but the day is over and now is the time to let your body fall asleep. I love you."
Put the Suitcase Down!!
Considering we spend our twenties, and into our thirties a bit, separating from our parents emotionally and historically it's no wonder most of us bring to parenting the thought of separating our parenting from the way we were parented.
If you have children later, say late thirties or into your forties, you also bring all the workplace circumstances you've experienced and the thought, "I don't want my child(ren) to end up like THAT person.
They are good thoughts. But most parents over correct. They end up doing a 180 degree change instead of a 90 degree change. If you do a 180 you end up with the same thing you are trying to avoid. Think carefully and develop a good solid assessment and strategy for what you are trying to enact.
Assess:
What is the behavior? How did it develop from your parent's history? How was it transferred to your life? How did you react? Why do you want the results or the behavior to be extincted?
Enact:
What will give you the desired behavior? What are the small steps that will lead to the big steps? How is your child(ren) going to react? What will your response be if you can't effect change?
Whether it's habits or values, traditions or routines personalizing your parenting for the heritage you want to pass on to your child(ren) is important.
Review:
Taking a look again at those changes as you mature as a parent, as your child grows older and as your relationship with your story and heritage evolve is important.
Love,
Deborah
If you have children later, say late thirties or into your forties, you also bring all the workplace circumstances you've experienced and the thought, "I don't want my child(ren) to end up like THAT person.
They are good thoughts. But most parents over correct. They end up doing a 180 degree change instead of a 90 degree change. If you do a 180 you end up with the same thing you are trying to avoid. Think carefully and develop a good solid assessment and strategy for what you are trying to enact.
Assess:
What is the behavior? How did it develop from your parent's history? How was it transferred to your life? How did you react? Why do you want the results or the behavior to be extincted?
Enact:
What will give you the desired behavior? What are the small steps that will lead to the big steps? How is your child(ren) going to react? What will your response be if you can't effect change?
Whether it's habits or values, traditions or routines personalizing your parenting for the heritage you want to pass on to your child(ren) is important.
Review:
Taking a look again at those changes as you mature as a parent, as your child grows older and as your relationship with your story and heritage evolve is important.
Love,
Deborah
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