Having been involved all summer in a very long drawn out move, I am on hiatus until October.
DHA

In the Eyes of Your Child

Ah.. you ask me. How do you engage so deeply with your child with so much to do? It will take fifteen minutes. Sit down and watch.

There are several things you can watch. Observe their choice of activity. Good , good. Or their choice of toy or item they are handling. Yes, yes. That will give you clues into the heart of your child. But most importantly, to begin with, watch their eyes. Watch what they are watching.

What do they look at? How do they look at it? What relationship is there between their eyes and the object in their hands? What is the connection between what they are watching and their social interaction? So many questions can be answered by fifteen minutes of observing your child's eyes.

If yours is an older child, maybe homework is before them. How do they watch the paper? The books?

Keeping an eye on your child's gaze will answer questions without you having to ask them.

Respond to their gaze. Support or comfort or extend what you see them doing. Let that gaze be your lead into engagement.

Much is made and great is the importance of positive regard, that moment when parent and child look lovingly at each other. But of equal importance is the moment when your child is going about their business independently. Some of the richest information for your parenting comes from gazing into your child's eyes without them looking back.

Love
Deborah

A noun and a Verb

It's that glitch in the stomach as you feel your child, from birth to eighteen, suddenly assert themselves in ways that seem beyond your negotiating power. That's the slip that usually thrusts parenting techniques into full throttle. Instead, take a breath when that moment comes. Count to three for yourself, and simplify your impulse to a noun and verb. As the toddler dashes for the door beyond the speed you can muster, the preteen drifts away in their own activity, the teenager ramps up the attack of how awful a parent you are, simplify your language to a noun and a verb.

Coat on. Look in my eyes. I'm listening. Their emotions are dashing away from them. Their brains are engaged elsewhere. Their desire exceeds their ability to bring everything to fruition. Take the high road, the engaged road , with a simple sentence. Noun and verb.

Not only does it have a greater chance of hitting a spot of engagement and turning the situation around, it reminds you you're the adult. It also offers them the opportunity to approach you, because it simplifies the path to turn to you.

Repeat the sentence. Find two similar simple words if the first two don't lock on. When the final moment of engagement comes, and dialogue and the healthy unity towards a common goal begins, there's less clean up. Less foam in your lap from ice cream that was put in too fast in too great a quantity.

Kids feel safe around wise parents. When they feel safe, they slow down and engage. Wise people always speak very little. They have distilled the essence of truth to a noun and a verb.

Try it. Let me know what happens.
Love
Deborah

Following Along

The rhythm of my days is incredibly slow. Following along behind two toddlers, engaging, extending and encouraging is akin to watching a ripple flow to the edge of the lake. To them, life is happening at warp speed. To me, watching paint dry would be an increase in velocity.

But I love it. As I dash out of town tonight, painfully aware I wanted to put two posts up and am only just starting one now, I think of the speed with which I have accomplished things today. The brakes eroded down to the little thingy that makes them signal they are worn this last weekend. Cramming in a fix it session in the middle of the juggling of work when I am the one who makes everyone else's life smooth, then dashing home to do the tail end of chores, make phone calls saying I'd be in touch when I got back I was painfully aware that actually I LIKE the toddler timetable.

Yesterday I spent an hour with four pudgy hands manipulating playdo like they were creating the earth for the first time. There was the wonder of making the little strips actually come out of the top of the plastic boys head, and the marvel of a rolling pin making everything flat. As if that was not enough to dazzle the tiny crowd, the words 'cookie cutter' says it all.

That following of the fascinating world of exploration I am forced to do adds the dynamic of wonder to my life everyday. I love it.

Several people have remarked about my opening post in relationship to teenagers. Well, separate thoughts later, but as for engaging, the act of following is more important than ever. You follow, they share when they're ready. You're right there. And what do you do while you're watching them? Lots and lots of self nurture. Like the old Timex watch , you have to take a lickin' and keep on tickin'.

The dryer is done. The handwash is waiting. As I recline in my airplane seat at 36,000 feet tomorrow with a nice hot cup of tea after a good nap, I will affirm to myself again. Slow has much to offer. Following is the best way to lead.
Love
Deborah

Engaging Childhood

It all started when Kia, the assistant manager, was teaching me how to make root beer floats while I was working at Dairy Queen. Over and over I ended up with a mess of bubbling cream coloured fizz cascading down the side of the cup. I tried various speeds of adding the ice cream. I varied the amount. I experimented with the order putting the ice cream in first and then adding the root beer. None of the variations made any difference. The end result was always a mess.

Kia, seeing my dilemma, came over beside me, took a fresh cup, filled it with root beer not too far from the top, and then pulled the draft armature on the soft serve. Slowly , and quietly, it descended into the root beer leaving no instantaneous chemical overflow .

As the ice cream slid into the cup, she said, without taking her eyes off of the contents, "You have to be one with the root beer." I was astounded. My whole focus had been on the the ice cream, trying to calculate the trajectory, the ratio of root beer to ice cream, or plop it in faster than the speed of the ballooning foam racing to the top of the cup.

Changing my focus to the root beer, watching the reaction, centering myself in the density and reaction of the carbonation, the ice cream became an easy addition. When finished, the two blended together in a marvelous new sweet treat that made for a most enjoyable consuming moment.

Early childhood educator that I was at the time, I tucked away the metaphor for parenting until the appropriate time. The time is now.

You read the books that tell you what to do. You read the books that tell you what your child is supposed to do. Nobody taught you the most important part. If your child is the root beer, and you and your instruction are the ice cream, the best approach is to be one with the root beer.

Engage with your child. Lock lasers. Tracking beam. Slip into their consciousness. Watch, observe, gaze into their eyes closely. Turn on the empathy button. Listen and look. Be one with the root beer.

That's the start. That's the beginning. Just try that for an hour. If you do, you will find the root beer relaxes. Your child will engage right back. Communication is easier. Responding is easier. Negotiating is easier. Play is easier. Getting from point A to point B is easier. Parenting is easier.

Try it. Instead of focusing on what you are doing and the input you are giving, watch the root beer. Engage with your child.
Love
Deborah