Special needs, special parents

Yesterday I went to see a showing of the movie "Deaf Jam" at our local parks and recreation building. It was part of the Community Cinema organization.

This was immediately after hosting my own showing ( as the director of LGC Educational Services) of that wonderful movie 'Batteries Not Included' starring Jessica Tandy and Hugh Cronyn. That movie was shown because of my belief that sometimes movies can be a vehicle for opening up discussion about topics in families that are not all that easy to open up in the natural occurrence of events.

Yesterday's three questions announced before the showing of 'Batteries' ( based on the movie content) were:
How do you define family?
What needs fixing in your life?
Do you believe in miracles.

As soon as everyone had left the theatre and I had collected the DVD I proceeded to the 'Deaf Jam' film.
Alzheimer's is a big part of the 'Batteries..." film plot and suddenly I'm switching to the ASL oral vs sign debate. Special needs, special needs, special needs everywhere. If you don't know what the initials AGB signify in that debate, research a little and widen your scope of cultural debates. I say that in the most positive way.

The very use of the term 'special needs' begs the division over the word 'disability'. Ultimately, although it is a public debate, the answer for each family, each individual, is privately chosen, or surrendered to depending on the course of one's life.

The fact is there is 'mainstream' . That's the average. No one's really average, but it's the projected, edited version of life that advertiser's and business people aspire to because it helps them focus their marketing.

Having been a special needs persons ( with the injuries I acquired in a childhood car accident involving a drunk driver) and the mother of special needs kids ( both adopted at the age of five and then their two siblings who are birth kids having to get used to adoptive issues) and one who serves special needs families (everything from physical to emotional to cognitive disorders) I  know personally that if you deny there are special needs in your life you're drowning even before you start swimming!

So... let's start the day with a compromise. Suppose we acknowledge there are many ways to go through life. Each journey is special. Not every journey falls into the 'norm' or the 'perfect'. Some of that difference is imposed by nature, by nurture, or by self imposed life choices.

Let's start with just putting the emphasis on engagement. Each person sets as their goal developing the ability to engage with others so we can hear each other's stories. Let's acknowledge that each person has a different relationship with their own story in personal context and in the context of whatever they define as their family.

And let's begin to believe that a miracle can occur in this world. The inside story of 'Deaf Jam' is that the friendship struck by the hearing and the non hearing girls is that one is Palestinian and the other is Jewish, from Israel. And they are both in America doing this extraordinary pairing of their lives.

Let's make that the kind of 'special needs' circumstances to which we focus our attention. Ohmygosh would that not make the biggest difference ever in the world.
To get you started... the initials AGB stand for Alexander Graham Bell.
Love
Deborah

RELAX!!!

Somehow I didn't think I'd be my age and still wandering around with my choice of four car seats ( depending on the age of the child with me) and getting teenagers off to school, and making sure there was always a packet of wipes nearby for hands and fingers, cheeks and chins.

So be it. I love working for/ with parents, and caring for children. It's just a passion.

Of course it's different now. These are not my own little ones or teenagers by any connection than my heart.

When they were mine, all four of them, they were my heart, my soul, my dream for them to be all they could be and enjoy that journey. And I never left them. When they were asleep it was regroup or rethink time, or put away whatever was the biggest pile , or try to stem high tide on the floor of the paraphernalia and accouterments from Fisher -Price or school. And when they were with me, there was always something else that wasn't being attended to or perhaps two things being attended to at the same time. They were into each other's business and I was sorting it out, or they weren't paying attention and I was trying to draw them in.

I had this fantasy I was going to raise them and then they would all return to the nest like the Walton's did around their big picnic table. The one thing I hadn't factored in was how much they would like their own nests.
I'm so happy for that. I raised them to be independent.

And so, I find myself wishing I had done one thing more with them. I wish I had relaxed with them more. Truly.
I wish I had just taken days upon days of their youth to just watch them play and sit with them and have conversations that went nowhere and meant nothing in the scope of world peace.

Now before I get too hard on myself I have to say our circumstances and my responsibilities were exceptional. Two of my children came into our family as very very wounded older adoptive kids. That shook up my oldest birth child and then of course there was the surprise pregnancy of my youngest ( who is actually number three in the order of things).

Much of my time was spent comforting children who were inconsolable and interpreting that to two children who were pretty secure in their bond with me.

And now that they are grown I'm truly able to spend that time with them. But ... nonetheless, I would pass this on to you.  That old poster or plaque that used to say, 'cleaning and dusting can wait for tomorrow..."?
It's a truth.  So can running around and coordinating and volunteering on committees so your child has an enriched experience.

You know what enriches your child's life? Your eyes watching them. Your heart engaged with them. Your ears listening to them.

Relax...it's sometimes the best gift you can give your child. Try it today and see if it works. Just relax.
Love
Deborah