Resting in the World of Children

One of the hardest parts of parenting is simply living in the world , the time zone , of children. It's so slow, so demanding, and sometimes seems boring. But if children find we are not in their zone, trouble ensues. We either grow longings we can't satisfy completely and continuously for the adult world or our children let us know they do not feel we are engaging with them.

How to make it easier? Remember how insular you once were. Could you have imagined what it would be like to be this tired before you had children? Could you imagine how much inventory there would be to care for them? When you were a teenager, did adults seem like they had privilege or concern?

Someday when your kids are grown you will look back and see how little of the total life cycle it's possible to see from each life stage.

So too for your little ones, or 'tweeners, or teenagers. They can't see ahead either.

What to do? Reframe 'selfishness' as 'limited perspective'. It is much easier to respond to someone's 'limited perspective' than it is to get out of unhooking from the resentment cycle when you think you are responding to someone being selfish. They aren't being selfish. Their desire to have you in their lives comes from a place of enjoyment. They just don't have a bigger perspective on other possibilities for engagement.

Focus on broadening their perspective rather than chastising them for 'selfishness'. You'll feel better, they'll learn something and together you can leap to the next step of development.

Sometimes parents are Tour Guides! Enjoy your entourage ...
Love,
Deborah

A Time to Parent

I know, I know, it's just so hard to spend the time parenting.  One vaguely remembers the time when you were only responsible to care for yourself and perhaps a significant other. Maybe you were good at that and maybe it was a challenge.

And now, one , two , three, or who knows how many others have arrived and you find yourself counting each act of caring as sacrificial. Eventually you discover a habit of caring that reworks your lifestyle.

I don't want to put a spin on it. Because the miracle factor will always kick in when you start counting the cost. This being a parent, having a child, is such a miracle. Engaging, Encouraging, Extending the experiences of your child is just a gift.

There is no telling what they will do when they are older, adults, like you. Maybe they will ring home everyday, maybe they will live next door, maybe they will call once a week, or month. But now, now you are close. So sink into it. Treasure every difficult moment whether it's getting them out of bed or feeding them in the night or explaining things they don't want explanations for or playing with them when you have a 'to do' list that is making you feel out of control.

Look in those faces and save today on your brain's hard drive. Keep it special. Review it at the end of the day and wake up the next morning ready to reboot and reload.

OK...off the computer or your phone or ipad, whatever it is you are reading this on,  and back to engaging with your kids!
Love,
Deborah

Just a little bit

I overheard a parent talking the other day in short hand to a child. It was the brevity she needed to speak quickly, but too dense and distracting for the child to understand. Remember to use as little language as possible when directing a child. Otherwise they will move into their version of 'yada, yada, yada' which includes turning off the sentences they don't hear because they are processing the first parts of your words.

And when you are being brief, use language that is meaningful to them. Saying... 'get down from that right now or you're going to get hurt' is useless to a child.
They have to figure out:

 'get' down' --- lost in the thought of how that will happen-- and then they have to go to  'from that'... impossible. --- which 'what' does that adult mean? The 'what I'm standing on? Another 'what I haven't seen?' This isn't the 'what' I want to get down from so they must mean something else."..

Then...

 'right now'. -- How immediate can 'right now' be? Do you mean, my kind of 'right now' as a child? or do you mean your kind of 'right now' which I don't like because I don't know why and what's going to come after so I never like to respond to 'right now' especially if you use that big firm tone?

"Or you'll get hurt!"--- no way, not going to happen, don't care if it does, forgot the last time so don't have a concern about getting hurt."

See.... and then you're going to repeat it like they didn't hear it ,right?

Go short... just a little bit... wait for absorption... little bit more. Reflect, ...wait.... Oh! I get it!  You want me to move from up high to down low because you think it's not safe up here!

Try this.... "Move your feet to the ground and bring your hands down too." Then AFTER they're down..."I asked you to do that because it didn't feel safe to me watching you be that high"

Much better...
Love,
Deborah

Take Five

Just a tidbit today;something to make things easier I hope. After you have given your child an instruction, take five minutes to let them deal with it. Think of it. How many times has someone asked or told you to do something and you stall... just a little... just until you can own the idea as your own.  That's what your child is doing.

Give your child a few minutes to own the thought as his or her own. It will keep you out of the power struggle. It will help you reframe the question as something they can consider. Yes, there are times when it will be necessary to say 'because I said so' and certainly we want to help our children be responsive to directions without having to question absolutely everything. But before you go for the push, help them learn to trust you and build a relationship as they receive your directions.

Example...( after the requisite five and three minute warnings).  "It's time to put ( whatever) away. --beat,beat,beat-- 'Can you think of a way that you can tell yourself it's time to stop?''

Better cue.
Try it....
Love,
Deborah

Speed parenting

This last week I was in bed fighting off the germs caught from several of my lovely dripping charges. Whereas twenty years ago I thought I would never know a moment alone again.......now... it is amazing to me that I can go hours on end here at home with no one asking for anything, sharing anything, or just checking to make sure I'm still here.

Moments that seemed so intense I thought time had stopped, decisions that seemed so weighty I thought the world's gravitational pulled relied on them, encounters so significant I envisioned ruining my childrens' adult lives if I did not make them happen, and the endless procession of meal plans or menus at the end proved themselves to be fleeting at best.

Now , two of my children are involved with those moments in the lives of their own children. The other two are feeling the weight of the day's responsibilities in ever increasing ways the same as any other grown adult: too much 'to do' list and too short a day.

Remember to stop for just sixty seconds today, really gaze at your child or each of your children if you are so blessed and say to yourself, "This is the last day they will be this old."  Then savour it. No... really savour it. Soon enough they will be gone and their only presence or demand will be a gallery of photos hung on the wall asking to be dusted.

No matter the demands of today, it is but for a moment.  Remember to thank them for being your child.
Love,
Deborah

As the sun sets....

Just a note of encouragement to all of you who are doing battle with the bedtime routine.......remember to keep it simple and direct, expect kickback but honor your own maturity in being able to repeat after me:
"I hear that this is not something you want to do, but the day is over and now is the time to let your body fall asleep. I love you."

Put the Suitcase Down!!

Considering we spend our twenties, and into our thirties a bit, separating from our parents emotionally and historically it's no wonder most of us bring to parenting  the thought of separating our parenting from the way we were parented.

If you have children later, say late thirties or into your forties, you also bring all the workplace circumstances you've experienced and the thought, "I don't want my child(ren) to end up like THAT person.

They are good thoughts. But most parents over correct.  They end up doing a 180 degree change instead of a 90 degree change. If you do a 180 you end up with the same thing you are trying to avoid. Think carefully and develop a good solid assessment and strategy for what you are trying to enact.
Assess:
What is the behavior?  How did it develop from your parent's history? How was it transferred to your life? How did you react? Why do you want the results or the behavior to be extincted?

Enact:
What will give you the desired behavior?  What are the small steps that will lead to the big steps? How is your child(ren) going to react?  What will your response be if you can't effect change?

Whether it's habits or values, traditions or routines personalizing your parenting for the heritage you want to pass on to your child(ren) is important.

Review:
Taking a look again at those changes as you mature as a parent, as your child grows older and as your relationship with your story and heritage evolve is important.
Love,
Deborah