Special needs, special parents

Yesterday I went to see a showing of the movie "Deaf Jam" at our local parks and recreation building. It was part of the Community Cinema organization.

This was immediately after hosting my own showing ( as the director of LGC Educational Services) of that wonderful movie 'Batteries Not Included' starring Jessica Tandy and Hugh Cronyn. That movie was shown because of my belief that sometimes movies can be a vehicle for opening up discussion about topics in families that are not all that easy to open up in the natural occurrence of events.

Yesterday's three questions announced before the showing of 'Batteries' ( based on the movie content) were:
How do you define family?
What needs fixing in your life?
Do you believe in miracles.

As soon as everyone had left the theatre and I had collected the DVD I proceeded to the 'Deaf Jam' film.
Alzheimer's is a big part of the 'Batteries..." film plot and suddenly I'm switching to the ASL oral vs sign debate. Special needs, special needs, special needs everywhere. If you don't know what the initials AGB signify in that debate, research a little and widen your scope of cultural debates. I say that in the most positive way.

The very use of the term 'special needs' begs the division over the word 'disability'. Ultimately, although it is a public debate, the answer for each family, each individual, is privately chosen, or surrendered to depending on the course of one's life.

The fact is there is 'mainstream' . That's the average. No one's really average, but it's the projected, edited version of life that advertiser's and business people aspire to because it helps them focus their marketing.

Having been a special needs persons ( with the injuries I acquired in a childhood car accident involving a drunk driver) and the mother of special needs kids ( both adopted at the age of five and then their two siblings who are birth kids having to get used to adoptive issues) and one who serves special needs families (everything from physical to emotional to cognitive disorders) I  know personally that if you deny there are special needs in your life you're drowning even before you start swimming!

So... let's start the day with a compromise. Suppose we acknowledge there are many ways to go through life. Each journey is special. Not every journey falls into the 'norm' or the 'perfect'. Some of that difference is imposed by nature, by nurture, or by self imposed life choices.

Let's start with just putting the emphasis on engagement. Each person sets as their goal developing the ability to engage with others so we can hear each other's stories. Let's acknowledge that each person has a different relationship with their own story in personal context and in the context of whatever they define as their family.

And let's begin to believe that a miracle can occur in this world. The inside story of 'Deaf Jam' is that the friendship struck by the hearing and the non hearing girls is that one is Palestinian and the other is Jewish, from Israel. And they are both in America doing this extraordinary pairing of their lives.

Let's make that the kind of 'special needs' circumstances to which we focus our attention. Ohmygosh would that not make the biggest difference ever in the world.
To get you started... the initials AGB stand for Alexander Graham Bell.
Love
Deborah

RELAX!!!

Somehow I didn't think I'd be my age and still wandering around with my choice of four car seats ( depending on the age of the child with me) and getting teenagers off to school, and making sure there was always a packet of wipes nearby for hands and fingers, cheeks and chins.

So be it. I love working for/ with parents, and caring for children. It's just a passion.

Of course it's different now. These are not my own little ones or teenagers by any connection than my heart.

When they were mine, all four of them, they were my heart, my soul, my dream for them to be all they could be and enjoy that journey. And I never left them. When they were asleep it was regroup or rethink time, or put away whatever was the biggest pile , or try to stem high tide on the floor of the paraphernalia and accouterments from Fisher -Price or school. And when they were with me, there was always something else that wasn't being attended to or perhaps two things being attended to at the same time. They were into each other's business and I was sorting it out, or they weren't paying attention and I was trying to draw them in.

I had this fantasy I was going to raise them and then they would all return to the nest like the Walton's did around their big picnic table. The one thing I hadn't factored in was how much they would like their own nests.
I'm so happy for that. I raised them to be independent.

And so, I find myself wishing I had done one thing more with them. I wish I had relaxed with them more. Truly.
I wish I had just taken days upon days of their youth to just watch them play and sit with them and have conversations that went nowhere and meant nothing in the scope of world peace.

Now before I get too hard on myself I have to say our circumstances and my responsibilities were exceptional. Two of my children came into our family as very very wounded older adoptive kids. That shook up my oldest birth child and then of course there was the surprise pregnancy of my youngest ( who is actually number three in the order of things).

Much of my time was spent comforting children who were inconsolable and interpreting that to two children who were pretty secure in their bond with me.

And now that they are grown I'm truly able to spend that time with them. But ... nonetheless, I would pass this on to you.  That old poster or plaque that used to say, 'cleaning and dusting can wait for tomorrow..."?
It's a truth.  So can running around and coordinating and volunteering on committees so your child has an enriched experience.

You know what enriches your child's life? Your eyes watching them. Your heart engaged with them. Your ears listening to them.

Relax...it's sometimes the best gift you can give your child. Try it today and see if it works. Just relax.
Love
Deborah

Here's an important question that will always strengthen your relationship with your child(ren).

Ask them 'Do you want help or company?"

Assuming one or the other can lead to the butting of heads, time wasted in frustration, and/or a misguided trip down the path of parallel intentions. Any of those, as every parent knows, are difficult to turn around and move into something more positive.

Most children from age three and up will welcome the clarification. And if they don't know, that's helpful information as well. Our job is to give our children a boost. If you are helping and they only want company, you end up with a rebellious child who is trying to stall out the interaction. If you are only offering company when they really want and need help, they are frustrated and overwhelmed which also leads to the dark alley of parent/child despair.

So ask the useful question: Do you want help or just company? It almost always leads to a better place.

Love

Deborah

Wired for Sound

I'll explain the long hiatus later. Until I do think of it this way... you were headed to the car and everyone was dressed and all the things you needed were gathered and suddenly two of them needed to go potty. 'Nuff said.

To begin again...

What kind of adult do you hope to nurture your child towards becoming? Thoughtful? Responsible? Attentive? Caring? Interdependent? Playful? Someone who likes themselves?

Now I ask you...can technology get you there?

This is a story I told in my column 'Positively Speaking' found at www.vashonloop.com, but for your benefit I'll tell it again in abbreviated form.

A three and a half year old slipped off my lap during a story so he could go to the bathroom. He was worried he would miss something. He raised his hand and pushed an imaginary button on the opposing palm saying, 'pause'. When he returned he hit the same button declaring 'play'.

As you know we have become such a digital culture that kids under three know about youtube, double clicks and searches. As you also know this same technology is basically bad for kids under three. It affects their brain development by overstimulating their eyes in bad ways. It diverts them from being present in their own lives. It creates the quasi relationship where face to face is booked. Tactile is limited to keystrokes. Curiosity becomes only visual.

And then they turn three. And the decisions about what place technology is going to play in your child's life begin to be rewritten by the world's influence. While you're deciding, here's some starter limits.

The rule to follow is, NEVER LEAVE THEM ALONE WITH AN ELECTRONIC DEVICE. That will follow to good things in so many ways all the way through adolescence.

"Read" a movie the way you read a book. Save the complete run throughs for the deliciousness of old fashioned communal big screen experiences that you can introduce them to at a Saturday matinee. This same three year old I mentioned in the beginning was so mesmerized when I took him to Toy Story 3, his first big show, he stood the entire movie. He could not believe such a magical experience existed.

If they want to play with your phone, keep them near. Emphasize the relational aspects of technology.

Use speakerphone a lot so they're included. Type the email to grandparents together. Keep things age appropriate. Set the boundaries where techno culture wants to rush them ahead.

Remember that under three all the research says it's bad for their brains. Use technology during those first three years for YOU. Keep yourself tethered to other adults. Google it as you always do but without the baby on your lap.

When the boundaries begin to slip wide as they age, truly make it the information age rather than life as a need to be entertained. Remember encyclopedias and dictionaries? Think of it like that.

As always setting family traditions of what's healthy, what's not early on lays a great foundation you can reference with each passing age and stage.

So tell me... what kind of relationship do you and your household have with technology?

Love

Deborah

Having been involved all summer in a very long drawn out move, I am on hiatus until October.
DHA

In the Eyes of Your Child

Ah.. you ask me. How do you engage so deeply with your child with so much to do? It will take fifteen minutes. Sit down and watch.

There are several things you can watch. Observe their choice of activity. Good , good. Or their choice of toy or item they are handling. Yes, yes. That will give you clues into the heart of your child. But most importantly, to begin with, watch their eyes. Watch what they are watching.

What do they look at? How do they look at it? What relationship is there between their eyes and the object in their hands? What is the connection between what they are watching and their social interaction? So many questions can be answered by fifteen minutes of observing your child's eyes.

If yours is an older child, maybe homework is before them. How do they watch the paper? The books?

Keeping an eye on your child's gaze will answer questions without you having to ask them.

Respond to their gaze. Support or comfort or extend what you see them doing. Let that gaze be your lead into engagement.

Much is made and great is the importance of positive regard, that moment when parent and child look lovingly at each other. But of equal importance is the moment when your child is going about their business independently. Some of the richest information for your parenting comes from gazing into your child's eyes without them looking back.

Love
Deborah

A noun and a Verb

It's that glitch in the stomach as you feel your child, from birth to eighteen, suddenly assert themselves in ways that seem beyond your negotiating power. That's the slip that usually thrusts parenting techniques into full throttle. Instead, take a breath when that moment comes. Count to three for yourself, and simplify your impulse to a noun and verb. As the toddler dashes for the door beyond the speed you can muster, the preteen drifts away in their own activity, the teenager ramps up the attack of how awful a parent you are, simplify your language to a noun and a verb.

Coat on. Look in my eyes. I'm listening. Their emotions are dashing away from them. Their brains are engaged elsewhere. Their desire exceeds their ability to bring everything to fruition. Take the high road, the engaged road , with a simple sentence. Noun and verb.

Not only does it have a greater chance of hitting a spot of engagement and turning the situation around, it reminds you you're the adult. It also offers them the opportunity to approach you, because it simplifies the path to turn to you.

Repeat the sentence. Find two similar simple words if the first two don't lock on. When the final moment of engagement comes, and dialogue and the healthy unity towards a common goal begins, there's less clean up. Less foam in your lap from ice cream that was put in too fast in too great a quantity.

Kids feel safe around wise parents. When they feel safe, they slow down and engage. Wise people always speak very little. They have distilled the essence of truth to a noun and a verb.

Try it. Let me know what happens.
Love
Deborah