Peaceful Parenting

My thought for you this evening as the sun sets behind the mountains, is of peace. Inner peace.

Do you remember a time before the hecticness  of children when you had perhaps five minutes of total peace

I'm tired tonight and a lengthy post is not in the cards, but I want to remind you that one of the most important things you can do is model inner peace for your child. Make sure you create, and they catch you, having a few seconds 'off duty'. Let them see your personhood peeking through. In less than a decade they will be pretty much their own person, whether they are still in your womb, a preschooler or a teen.

Show them what it looks like to be a person by letting them see you have a moment of inner peace.
Have a nice night's rest is what we say in our house.
Love,
Deborah

Seeing the Best

This morning I had the chance to watch a father loping along for a morning walk, bundle of tussled hair strapped to his back, face buried into Daddy's shoulder, obviously asleep by the way his body's limply  bouncing limbs mimicked Dad's gait and stride.

I remember the peace of feeling my children on my back as I walked to wherever when they were young. All my authority as a parent grew stronger within me knowing they were up and out of harm's way and we were moving forward.

It is, however, the face to face moments that prove challenging as parents. Looking into their eyes and or having them look into mine created opportunities for growth and joy,or power struggles and melt downs. Interactions are the rudders of relationship boats.

Here's what I suggest . When you look into your child's eyes, remember from whence they have come. Call to mind their ability to be in a different place, to learn, to grow. See their gifts and talents. See their hopes and desires. See their trust and love. Imagine who they will be as adults...in a good way. Then speak your affirmation or instruction out of that.

Whether you are holding a newborn or going toe to toe with a teen, or somewhere in between, slow yourself down at least once a week, if not more often to just look in your child's eyes to see their past, the growth, and the possibilities for the future.

It is comforting and peaceful when they are strapped to us or asleep in safety, but the substance of parenting happens eye to eye. Make the most of it. While your mouth is moving, let tour heart be touched by what your eyes see. It will change the course of your famil's boat.
Love,
Deborah

Self Care and/or Self Nurture

There's always a little guilt in writing this blog. Since the kids are all grown, some of them with kids of their own, my time and relationship to time is very different than when there were four demanding kids and a hungry husband at home.

What has astounded me is how minimal my self care and self nurture have been. With thelast child   officially on her own with a completely developed pre frontal cortex, I am struggling to put in place the good habits I streamlined or stripped to the bare minimum while I was raising the kids and leading a family.

Silly things like taking off my make up faithfully and moisturizing and exercising as well as the bigger task of feeding my brain and ministering to my soul present themselves in such a way I find myself falling into old self talk that says I don't have time.

Here's my point. Be careful how much you beat up on yourself. You are, indeed, much busier than you think you are! Applaud yourself for the little you are able to do and pat yourself on the back if you even have the remotest sense of self. The day will come when you will have more time. Truly. I promise. For now, indulge yourself as much self care and self nurture as you can. Be at peace. Raising children is a sacrificial activity. You're doing great!
Love,
Deborah

The Never Ending Question

If you notice, the pattern starts when they are just learning to babble. The sound cycle is repeated as they look intently at your face. They expect that when they use sound you will watch their face and their eyes. They hold your face in their chubby little hands exploring the lips that move with sound coming out and the attending smile as the newness of chatting with them has not worn off.

And then words happen. You don't always look at them when you are talking. Suddenly you are in some situation in which you are concentrating and you don't even notice the same question has just been asked of you maybe four or five times. Your focus is intent beyond them, but your ears are alert to their words. The question is asked...let's say it's maybe...'Why does butter melt?"  a factual interrogative. You answer, 'Because it's warm today.', pat yourself on the back several times for multi tasking and attending to the child in your care, perhaps your own, perhaps someone else's, and then hearing the question again you answer again.

On the fourth or fifth cycle, something in the back of your brain tells you this mountain has been circled before.

Your response? 'I already answered that'. Full stop . Only it isn't. The question comes again. Now there's a blank stare.

This is not a phenomenon limited to toddlers or preschoolers. In fact it becomes more frustrating as everyone ages. In elementary age it is annoying, tweeners...frustrating, teenagers...cause for ire.

So what gives? How do you answer the question so they stop asking?

Quick tip. You don't. The answer is not the problem. Their hearing, their listening is the problem.

Take two minutes when you notice the repeating pattern and ask them what they heard. Blank stare in response? Repeat your answer once directing them to look in your eyes and listen carefully. Ask them again what they've heard. They may be confused now because they weren't really listening to what they said.

So repeat the question/answer one more time helping them focus their listening. Direct them to pay attention to what they are hearing.

See...the problem arose because nobody was engaged. The dreadful truth about any kind of conversation is that there has to be a fairly direct degree of engagement in order for it to happen effectively.

Them repeating the question is their acknowledgement that you aren't engaged with hearing with your whole being, OR to be fair, they aren't engaged with their own speaking.

If you go the route of 'I already answered that' a power struggle or war of words ensues.

Instead...break the cycle and hit the reset button by making the focus of the engagement more pointed.
Truly...easiest way out of this. And then gradually, incident by incident, they develop a habit -- and you do too- of paying more attention during conversation.
Try it. Worth a shot. Better than the alternative.
Love,
Deborah

Spring Forward

Whew... it is good to be able to play outside without sixteen layers of clothing that can be alternating put on and taken off as wee muscles warm up and then cool down.

Longer days bring challenges with early evening activites like winding down and going to sleep for little ones, but give parents a wonderful sense of hours to spend after the energy in the house is replaced by the ability to focus on chores or recreation without the heightened enthusiasm or drama of children.

Allergies, fruits and vegetables that are freshly picked, road trips long and short, adventures in hospitality, end of school year final events and anticipation of the next step in the school year are all the gatherings that mark the passage of the darkness of winter with the greater lighter step and freedom that Spring and Summer bring.

Remember to record the events, the changes, the memories. This past week when my youngest daughter who is now twenty five rejoiced that I had saved the fourth -fifth grade laminated baseball team participation certificate I thought of all the times my children have scolded me for 'keeping all this junk'.

But we are the keepers of their history until they can keep it themselves.
Note the days. Mark the moments. Record the milestones.

For those who scrapbook and journal diligently ...kudos to you........
But throwing it all in a box to discover again when they're grown works just as well.
Have fun with your babies, or children or tweens,or, yes, even teens today. It's a moment in time that will not come again.
Love,
Deborah

Thanksgiving

Experiencing Thanksgiving while I was living in Europe was truly unique. It was no holiday in which banks or government offices or schools were closed. We simply gathered together as Americans to eat what we could find of traditional Thanksgiving foods. And the children with me heard the familiar tradition of going around the table and listing those things for which we are thankful.

Teaching a child to say thank you is a wonderful experience. Whatever gaps there may be in my children's experiences as adults, they do know they have reason to be thankful. And with each child I've come across I have passed on the wonderful experience of giving thanks.

This weekend, no matter where you are in the world, sit and make a list of all the things you are grateful for about your children. You will see them in a new light, and the burden and confusion of caring for them will seem less.

Happy Thanksgivin
Love,
Deborah

One Step Ahead

If it's Tuesday I must be thinking about what's involved with raising children.

And so I am. Today I was considering all my wee, tween, and teens in my care both special needs and typical.

Listening to the words I speak to their parents I recognized that one of the hallmarks of those conversations is the admonishment to keep an eye on where the next stage of development for your child or teen will be.

It isn't that we are wishing away our off springs' days. It is that we are building in today what they will need tomorrow. They can't see next and so rely on us to help them make good choices about what to keep and what to discard in their behaviors and attitudes ...without squelching or killing their spirits and their personalities, hopes and dreams whether tested or tried or left wanting. Now THAT's a balancing act.

How do we encourage them to grow strong and secure in themselves prepared for what lies ahead without locking them into fear of the unknown? We do it by example and that wonderful paradox of the now and the not yet. It is where the righteousness of good solid development as human beings that will contribute newness and goodness to the future world is rooted.

It is also the hardest part of child rearing. Never more so do we have to unhook the buttons where we have been prewired  or set down the baggage from our past to which we cling.

You can do it! You can keep abreast of all this, and still keep them company. Care for yourself but do not absent yourself from them emotionally because this balance is too weighty or tenuous or precarious along side the living of our own lives.

Keep trying. Hold it all in tension. You will notice your children are aware of your gift and appreciate the company and thrill of leaning into the unknown while you hold their hearts for them in sacred trust of all that they will become.
Love,
Deborah