The Key to Long Days

Self care consists of many things....I'm just going to knit a few rows I was heard to say to the two and half year old holding a car next to me. My arms were 'baby tired'. I had held the wee one for so long that it felt like she was still in my arms long after I had put her down when she finally reached deep sleep.

I got three stitches done before I realized he was really wanting me to play with the airplane. Three wonderful stitches, a chance to look at something grown up.

Here's what I wished I known when my kids were small. The key to longevity in parenting is many small breaks. I mean like as if you were an air traffic controller. You know they take a mini break every fifteen minutes. It increases their vigilance.

What are the small things you can do?

--Well...get up and take a drink of water and stand by the sink and think about a time in the future that you dream of or a time in the past when you had a really good time.

-- Keep a really good book by your side and read just two paragraphs. Truly....

--Turn the radio on.

-- Change you clothes.

-- Step outside for a moment and take a deep breath.

--Peal an orange and eat it.

-- Keep a jigsaw puzzle going and put a piece in.

Your child will not fall off the wall of burn themselves or be lost in wailing. Take your time at that moment when they are lost in their own play. Or, tell them they can do such and such all by themselves by a moment, and keeping them in your sphere, but not engaged directly, take that mini break.

It will not make you more rested at the end of the day. It doesn't supplant Mommy or Daddy care time or date night.  But it does freshen your focus and your attitude for the next half hour so you can go distance.

Pick one from the list and go do it now.  You will feel better.
Love,
Deborah

Baby Nice Nice

I have a new wee one I get to hold a lot. It's brought back such wonderful realizations about babyhood and engaging and bonding. And tears... how could I have forgotten how many tears a baby sheds?

To some of you, tears might be a really bad thing. They make you tense don't they?  I say to myself when I hear a baby's tears, "That child can certainly speak for himself or herself!"  Listen to tears as language, conversation.

Later in life baby tears, our tears, become mood and context specific. Before speed, tears ARE speech.

So...when that moment comes when the tears provoke in you a reaction of despair and questioning, think of them as an ill articulated speech. If a child or another adult speaks so you can't understand them, do you go to that place of annoyance or despair? No...you say, "what? Could you say that again?

Watch your baby's mouth when they aren't crying. You will see the lips moving to try to imitate your sounds. That's the key to tears. It's the non-tears, other moments of engagement and communication that will give you a new handle on tears.

What do I mean?  This moment...you are holding your baby so your faces are touching and his or her little mouth is moving and they are smiling and you are speaking gently and you are just oh so in love with that little person and they do that wide open mouth first little kiss thing where you put your cheek up to show them how and all is at peace ....THAT is where you ground yourself when they start to cry endlessly.

You will gradually be teaching them how to express discomfort and displeasure and anger and sadness. Keep your voice soft and supple, take a few breaths for relaxation and disengage enough to be the adult. It will help the most when you are exhausted. Remember to make the most of baby nice nice.

Soon enough their tears will be about more complicated situations than a wet bottom or a tummy ache or a hungry tummy or the inability to put themselves to sleep. Enjoy the simplicity of the possibilities, create many moments of Baby Nice Nice and prepare for seasons of relational tears, and discouragement tears, and inadequacy tears. What a change from the days when saying the long vowel sounds could help entertain!

Love,
Deborah

Resting in the World of Children

One of the hardest parts of parenting is simply living in the world , the time zone , of children. It's so slow, so demanding, and sometimes seems boring. But if children find we are not in their zone, trouble ensues. We either grow longings we can't satisfy completely and continuously for the adult world or our children let us know they do not feel we are engaging with them.

How to make it easier? Remember how insular you once were. Could you have imagined what it would be like to be this tired before you had children? Could you imagine how much inventory there would be to care for them? When you were a teenager, did adults seem like they had privilege or concern?

Someday when your kids are grown you will look back and see how little of the total life cycle it's possible to see from each life stage.

So too for your little ones, or 'tweeners, or teenagers. They can't see ahead either.

What to do? Reframe 'selfishness' as 'limited perspective'. It is much easier to respond to someone's 'limited perspective' than it is to get out of unhooking from the resentment cycle when you think you are responding to someone being selfish. They aren't being selfish. Their desire to have you in their lives comes from a place of enjoyment. They just don't have a bigger perspective on other possibilities for engagement.

Focus on broadening their perspective rather than chastising them for 'selfishness'. You'll feel better, they'll learn something and together you can leap to the next step of development.

Sometimes parents are Tour Guides! Enjoy your entourage ...
Love,
Deborah