One of the hardest parts of parenting is simply living in the world , the time zone , of children. It's so slow, so demanding, and sometimes seems boring. But if children find we are not in their zone, trouble ensues. We either grow longings we can't satisfy completely and continuously for the adult world or our children let us know they do not feel we are engaging with them.
How to make it easier? Remember how insular you once were. Could you have imagined what it would be like to be this tired before you had children? Could you imagine how much inventory there would be to care for them? When you were a teenager, did adults seem like they had privilege or concern?
Someday when your kids are grown you will look back and see how little of the total life cycle it's possible to see from each life stage.
So too for your little ones, or 'tweeners, or teenagers. They can't see ahead either.
What to do? Reframe 'selfishness' as 'limited perspective'. It is much easier to respond to someone's 'limited perspective' than it is to get out of unhooking from the resentment cycle when you think you are responding to someone being selfish. They aren't being selfish. Their desire to have you in their lives comes from a place of enjoyment. They just don't have a bigger perspective on other possibilities for engagement.
Focus on broadening their perspective rather than chastising them for 'selfishness'. You'll feel better, they'll learn something and together you can leap to the next step of development.
Sometimes parents are Tour Guides! Enjoy your entourage ...
Love,
Deborah
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