Any day with infants, toddlers, preschoolers, children, tweeners and teens is consumed with a myriad of situations.
When you look carefully, all of the experiences coming your way in interactions with your children, issues in their lives, falls into one of four categories:
Sleep
Tears and Tantrums
Self Discipline and
Self Care
Parenting can made a little simpler by assigning the situation to one of those four categories.
Homework issues, friend connections and trials, practices, chores, moanies, screen time debates...whatever the issue, stop yourself and ask, "To which category is the underlying issue related?"
Start there. Then explore the possibilities for resolution.
Try it. It might help.
Wednesday, November 12, 2014
Monday, October 13, 2014
One with the Root Beer, the Manuscript
Today I accomplished what I have hoped for since about a decade ago. I put together the entirety of the one page philosophy of the One With the Root Beer Parenting Program
It shows the four focuses ( which I use because who the heck uses the word foci?) of parenting and I am excited to get the rest of the book done.
So, what can I share today? Hot tip of the day is to make sure you understand that while this is a very intense time zone of your life, it will not last forever. Kids move out in very short order and while your relationship continues, you will not be 'in charge' of very much. So how ever joyful or painful, delightful or burdensome today has been for you with your children, it is , indeed, transitory.
That means, find something to cherish about it. Look at them when they are asleep. Throw them a curve ball by telling them you love them in the middle of the raging anger at you. Rejoice that you can do underdog while they are swinging or give them a pass on vegetables because they have been honest enough to tell you what they like or don't like.
When bedtime comes and you can hardly wait for your 'down time' or doing chores unfettered by someone moving at a slow or more distracted pace, take a minute and remember the importance of helping them slip into slumber.
You will be grateful you did in about ten years!
It shows the four focuses ( which I use because who the heck uses the word foci?) of parenting and I am excited to get the rest of the book done.
So, what can I share today? Hot tip of the day is to make sure you understand that while this is a very intense time zone of your life, it will not last forever. Kids move out in very short order and while your relationship continues, you will not be 'in charge' of very much. So how ever joyful or painful, delightful or burdensome today has been for you with your children, it is , indeed, transitory.
That means, find something to cherish about it. Look at them when they are asleep. Throw them a curve ball by telling them you love them in the middle of the raging anger at you. Rejoice that you can do underdog while they are swinging or give them a pass on vegetables because they have been honest enough to tell you what they like or don't like.
When bedtime comes and you can hardly wait for your 'down time' or doing chores unfettered by someone moving at a slow or more distracted pace, take a minute and remember the importance of helping them slip into slumber.
You will be grateful you did in about ten years!
Sunday, October 12, 2014
Unconditional Love
The irony is I am putting together a rather formulaic, choose your own parenting adventure, kind of manuscript and curriculum for parents of all ages of kids.
The guiding principle of it all, however, rests in the very erratic nature of children's growth. Their emotions make any development roll out unpredictably and with uncertainty.
Therefore, I wish to remind everyone that the key ingredient in any parenting situation is unconditional love.
Yesterday morning I saw a mom in a restaurant who alternated quickly between loving affirmations for her , what appeared to be, seven year old girl, and teeth clenching edicts meant to intimidate and control.
See, that just isn't going to make it. Offering your child unconditional love means you are always going to be the steady one. Before you take the guilt train, yes, there are going to be two or three days in each season of parenting where you have a less than stellar moment that amounts to 'because I said so.'. If you have poured your heart in the majority of situations, in reminding yourself you are the grown up, and beyond any technique, love your child the most when they deserve it the least, you will have it in the bank to be able to apologize and reset the situation.
I'm not talking about hitting or verbally abusing your child, I'm talking about those moments when you use a snappish tone, short circuit directions or have a minute when you realize you are about to lose it and take a breath.
Offering unconditional love on a daily, minute by minute process means you have trained yourself to remain steady and delighted in your child. THAT is what shapes them. If they feel your delight, they will go towards your instruction like a moth to the flame. If they feel your respect, they will work hard to get over their lack of desire to do what you are asking or suggesting and turn their little train of willfulness towards the station master.
Give them what you wish you were given as a parent. Would you be a better parent if someone came in and chastised you for not being fast enough at learning the tricks of the trade or understanding some aspect of their development? Well, so too will they be slowed unless they feel your love for them. They do not know any more about being a human being than you do about being a parent.
Find their love language and make that the biggest part of your day with them.
Take notes and see what works. Repeat, with Joy and ....Love....
The guiding principle of it all, however, rests in the very erratic nature of children's growth. Their emotions make any development roll out unpredictably and with uncertainty.
Therefore, I wish to remind everyone that the key ingredient in any parenting situation is unconditional love.
Yesterday morning I saw a mom in a restaurant who alternated quickly between loving affirmations for her , what appeared to be, seven year old girl, and teeth clenching edicts meant to intimidate and control.
See, that just isn't going to make it. Offering your child unconditional love means you are always going to be the steady one. Before you take the guilt train, yes, there are going to be two or three days in each season of parenting where you have a less than stellar moment that amounts to 'because I said so.'. If you have poured your heart in the majority of situations, in reminding yourself you are the grown up, and beyond any technique, love your child the most when they deserve it the least, you will have it in the bank to be able to apologize and reset the situation.
I'm not talking about hitting or verbally abusing your child, I'm talking about those moments when you use a snappish tone, short circuit directions or have a minute when you realize you are about to lose it and take a breath.
Offering unconditional love on a daily, minute by minute process means you have trained yourself to remain steady and delighted in your child. THAT is what shapes them. If they feel your delight, they will go towards your instruction like a moth to the flame. If they feel your respect, they will work hard to get over their lack of desire to do what you are asking or suggesting and turn their little train of willfulness towards the station master.
Give them what you wish you were given as a parent. Would you be a better parent if someone came in and chastised you for not being fast enough at learning the tricks of the trade or understanding some aspect of their development? Well, so too will they be slowed unless they feel your love for them. They do not know any more about being a human being than you do about being a parent.
Find their love language and make that the biggest part of your day with them.
Take notes and see what works. Repeat, with Joy and ....Love....
Monday, August 18, 2014
Twos are Not Terrible!
Poor two year olds. They have gotten such a bum rap. There they are, doing exactly what they are supposed to be doing, living in their new sense of personhood, asserting themselves with limited skills, getting tired from playing hard, feeling definite about their choices, becoming "not a baby" and they get chastised and reprimanded and deprived.
If you want the "Not Terrible Twos" to feel easier, then try to help your child connect the dots in more efficient ways. Help her or him try to understand their emotions more and recognize that in parenting, the previous stage always seems a little easier in retrospect than what you are going through now.
Then find an activity you both enjoy and play a little bit to remind each other how much you appreciate each other.
Now three's- well.. The challenge continues!
If you want the "Not Terrible Twos" to feel easier, then try to help your child connect the dots in more efficient ways. Help her or him try to understand their emotions more and recognize that in parenting, the previous stage always seems a little easier in retrospect than what you are going through now.
Then find an activity you both enjoy and play a little bit to remind each other how much you appreciate each other.
Now three's- well.. The challenge continues!
Saturday, March 22, 2014
Slowing Down When the Milk Spills
Ok so I don't have a lot of time to write because it's the end of the day and I'm kinda sorta falling sleep, and you don't have a lot of time to read because, well...you're raising kids in the midst of other endeavours.
So I'll cut to the chase. The other day one of my wee ones spilled a glass of milk because he wasn't watching where his elbows were going and I reminded myself I wanted to tell you one of my best tricks.
When the milk spills, which is does/will often, slow down. It's the same idea as the tip I gave you about sitting down on the floor when the kids felt out of control.
The minute you see the white river running, remember to slow down. Do not dash for a towel, cloth or paper, speak slow comforting words to the child who is the spillee. Forget the impulse to panic or dash.
Sit down, watch where it's going, give the child involved a clear signal of 'doable and easy fix'.
It will utterly change how you teach yourself to respond to other real or imagined emergencies.And that will make you a better responder.
Love,
Deborah
So I'll cut to the chase. The other day one of my wee ones spilled a glass of milk because he wasn't watching where his elbows were going and I reminded myself I wanted to tell you one of my best tricks.
When the milk spills, which is does/will often, slow down. It's the same idea as the tip I gave you about sitting down on the floor when the kids felt out of control.
The minute you see the white river running, remember to slow down. Do not dash for a towel, cloth or paper, speak slow comforting words to the child who is the spillee. Forget the impulse to panic or dash.
Sit down, watch where it's going, give the child involved a clear signal of 'doable and easy fix'.
It will utterly change how you teach yourself to respond to other real or imagined emergencies.And that will make you a better responder.
Love,
Deborah
Friday, January 31, 2014
Waiting
Oh my is that one of the all time most difficult concepts and processes to teach or experience? Waiting, as parents,
until:
they are ready to cooperate
they've thought of what they want to say
they can control their thoughts and emotions
for the doctor or dentist in a waiting room with not enough to do
at the shops when you want to hurry and they have to go to the bathroom and there's a line
until you have brought the necessary supplies into your abode to accomplish whatever it is they want to accomplish
for better times
for more resources
until you have calmed
for relatives to arrive
waiting for someone in charge to pay attention
And for kids:
waiting for adults to listen
waiting for adults to understand
waiting to master something so you can do it right
waiting for time to pass
waiting to be older.
OK...do you see the difference? For us adults, the focus is whatever we are waiting for. We know about waiting. We know how we behave when we handle it well. We know how we behave when we don't handle it well and lose our patience.
For kids, the actual act of waiting is something to learn. What does it feel like? What happens if it does work out? What happens if it doesn't work out.
Babies are lost in time. Toddlers are aware of time. Preschoolers are frustrated by time. Children are trying to make peace with time. Adolescents are tired of time and trying to defy it.
How can you help the youngers ones in your life deal with waiting? Use all fronts: explain, describe, reflect, deflect, be a companion and model.
BUT...the best thing you can do is be aware of when waiting is the issue and let it take it's course.
Sometimes the best way to deal with waiting is to just let time pass.
Of all the unknown social skills that need practical mastery, waiting is the most powerful. Leaning to make peace with waiting as a daily necessity is optimal.
Take five minutes to reflect. Everything else can wait.
Love,Deborah
until:
they are ready to cooperate
they've thought of what they want to say
they can control their thoughts and emotions
for the doctor or dentist in a waiting room with not enough to do
at the shops when you want to hurry and they have to go to the bathroom and there's a line
until you have brought the necessary supplies into your abode to accomplish whatever it is they want to accomplish
for better times
for more resources
until you have calmed
for relatives to arrive
waiting for someone in charge to pay attention
And for kids:
waiting for adults to listen
waiting for adults to understand
waiting to master something so you can do it right
waiting for time to pass
waiting to be older.
OK...do you see the difference? For us adults, the focus is whatever we are waiting for. We know about waiting. We know how we behave when we handle it well. We know how we behave when we don't handle it well and lose our patience.
For kids, the actual act of waiting is something to learn. What does it feel like? What happens if it does work out? What happens if it doesn't work out.
Babies are lost in time. Toddlers are aware of time. Preschoolers are frustrated by time. Children are trying to make peace with time. Adolescents are tired of time and trying to defy it.
How can you help the youngers ones in your life deal with waiting? Use all fronts: explain, describe, reflect, deflect, be a companion and model.
BUT...the best thing you can do is be aware of when waiting is the issue and let it take it's course.
Sometimes the best way to deal with waiting is to just let time pass.
Of all the unknown social skills that need practical mastery, waiting is the most powerful. Leaning to make peace with waiting as a daily necessity is optimal.
Take five minutes to reflect. Everything else can wait.
Love,Deborah
Tuesday, January 14, 2014
The Learning Curve
Pardon my absence. This past October I tripped and fell and changed my life a bit because of it. Using a cane all the time has reminded how much I want to write to special needs parent's issues but ....
First I want to briefly remind you that your child and teen is always in learning mode. Not till late adolescent does their start to be a time of moving to a learning curve instead of impulse.
Let me explain. Yesterday I had some young friends on a field trip. We went to the Locks and watched three different loads of boats move up and down, four different kinds of boats. It was a fabulous stroke of good fortune to have such traffic.
The whole idea of water levels and tying up and casting off and then two different kinds of trains went by near by..... it was just a smorgasbord of new experiences. Nearby a mother with two children added in casual conversation, 'and it's educational'.
It reminded me to underscore with those of you with young children: Every minute of every day in your young child's life is educational. From how they chew to what they play with, routines, inventory, transportation, it's all educational.
Tweeners more intensely so as they add social skills and their personal relationship with themselves. Only in adolescence do we begin to see the shift into wanting to present mastery on a minute by minute day instead of the excitement of being a learner.
How can you support them as a parent? Reveal to the kids you care for that you too are excited about learning. It's a simple gift that costs nothing and will, frequently, get you off the hook from feeling inadequate as a parent.
They will embrace your enthusiasm and share even more closely. Truly.
Love,
Deborah
First I want to briefly remind you that your child and teen is always in learning mode. Not till late adolescent does their start to be a time of moving to a learning curve instead of impulse.
Let me explain. Yesterday I had some young friends on a field trip. We went to the Locks and watched three different loads of boats move up and down, four different kinds of boats. It was a fabulous stroke of good fortune to have such traffic.
The whole idea of water levels and tying up and casting off and then two different kinds of trains went by near by..... it was just a smorgasbord of new experiences. Nearby a mother with two children added in casual conversation, 'and it's educational'.
It reminded me to underscore with those of you with young children: Every minute of every day in your young child's life is educational. From how they chew to what they play with, routines, inventory, transportation, it's all educational.
Tweeners more intensely so as they add social skills and their personal relationship with themselves. Only in adolescence do we begin to see the shift into wanting to present mastery on a minute by minute day instead of the excitement of being a learner.
How can you support them as a parent? Reveal to the kids you care for that you too are excited about learning. It's a simple gift that costs nothing and will, frequently, get you off the hook from feeling inadequate as a parent.
They will embrace your enthusiasm and share even more closely. Truly.
Love,
Deborah
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