Engaging Childhood

I heard a talk radio show today asking for feedback about some parenting strategy that has found new interest. It involves 'giving the illusion of choices'.  

Trickery. Are you parenting by giving trickery a part in your interactions with your children? If children are given 'illusions of choices' when they are little, they will not recognize 'real choices' when they are tweeners, teens and then young adults.

You set the tone for what kind of choices your child will recognize in the future and how they will respond.

 And here's the other thing.  You don't need to manipulate your child. What you need to do is learn who your child is and then sit in the space of how he operates and translate his choices for him. 

There is no magic to raising children. There is only real hard, engaging work. 

A short one today. But deep...Leave a comment. Tell me what you think.

Love

Deborah

Sit Down

I don't think I told you the best trick of all yet. It's a trick for you and a trick for your kids. When you feel overwhelmed or the kids aren't listening to you or there is something wrong and you're about to take it out on the kids, SIT DOWN ON THE FLOOR.

Yessireee that is the best advice any parent can be given. You know what happens? Instantly things get better. The kids relax immediately because it's a sign of engagement for them. You relax immediately because you can't move in some fruitless direction. Then the kids become a little happier and start doing things like putting there hands on your face and turning it in their direction which emits that lovely spontaneous bonding moment of ' oh my kid loves me'. and thus the dance becomes a waltz instead of a tug o' war.

Can this work with tweens and teens? Yes... but it makes more sense to them if you have a bag of chips in your hands. Raw carrots and dip works too but that may not be such a spontaneous moment.

There are times words don't work. There are times you have to just change your body position. Take yourself out of play and into play instead if you know what I mean.
There's always a chance for the reset button to work. But remember it takes time to reboot after you hit the reset button. Don't rush it. When you feel that urge to get back up, take two more minutes and breath deeply.
It's all good . It all gets better.
And if by chance you just stay on the floor. There's a blessing in that too.
Enjoy...
Love,
Deborah

The Power of 'Yes'

Perhaps it's because I've a new crowd of teenagers with whom I'm hanging out lately or the four year olds making life more glittery and fun lately, but I've been noticing the stark difference between 'yes' and 'no' lately.

Saying 'yes' to your child is the most important word you can give them.

It affirms their ideas. It clarifies the power they feel to make decisions, have good ideas and foster relationships.

Reaching for 'yes' as the default mode in conversations and negotiations with your children will light up their day.

So, simply put, a simple nugget for today, when you are on the fly and movin' fast through your day, take the time to slow down and say 'yes'.  Saying 'yes' means you may have to find the piece of the conversation you can affirm. It means you may have to find the part of their idea or request to which you can say 'yes'.

By becoming 'yes' parents, we teach our children to say 'yes' to themselves, to new adventures, to the good in life.

Too much parenting info in placed in the instructional value of saying 'no'.  The proper way to say 'no' is to figure out that part to which you can say 'yes'.

Try it for a day... a week .  See how the shift into the positive and the affirmative feels.
Love
Deborah

Special needs, special parents

Yesterday I went to see a showing of the movie "Deaf Jam" at our local parks and recreation building. It was part of the Community Cinema organization.

This was immediately after hosting my own showing ( as the director of LGC Educational Services) of that wonderful movie 'Batteries Not Included' starring Jessica Tandy and Hugh Cronyn. That movie was shown because of my belief that sometimes movies can be a vehicle for opening up discussion about topics in families that are not all that easy to open up in the natural occurrence of events.

Yesterday's three questions announced before the showing of 'Batteries' ( based on the movie content) were:
How do you define family?
What needs fixing in your life?
Do you believe in miracles.

As soon as everyone had left the theatre and I had collected the DVD I proceeded to the 'Deaf Jam' film.
Alzheimer's is a big part of the 'Batteries..." film plot and suddenly I'm switching to the ASL oral vs sign debate. Special needs, special needs, special needs everywhere. If you don't know what the initials AGB signify in that debate, research a little and widen your scope of cultural debates. I say that in the most positive way.

The very use of the term 'special needs' begs the division over the word 'disability'. Ultimately, although it is a public debate, the answer for each family, each individual, is privately chosen, or surrendered to depending on the course of one's life.

The fact is there is 'mainstream' . That's the average. No one's really average, but it's the projected, edited version of life that advertiser's and business people aspire to because it helps them focus their marketing.

Having been a special needs persons ( with the injuries I acquired in a childhood car accident involving a drunk driver) and the mother of special needs kids ( both adopted at the age of five and then their two siblings who are birth kids having to get used to adoptive issues) and one who serves special needs families (everything from physical to emotional to cognitive disorders) I  know personally that if you deny there are special needs in your life you're drowning even before you start swimming!

So... let's start the day with a compromise. Suppose we acknowledge there are many ways to go through life. Each journey is special. Not every journey falls into the 'norm' or the 'perfect'. Some of that difference is imposed by nature, by nurture, or by self imposed life choices.

Let's start with just putting the emphasis on engagement. Each person sets as their goal developing the ability to engage with others so we can hear each other's stories. Let's acknowledge that each person has a different relationship with their own story in personal context and in the context of whatever they define as their family.

And let's begin to believe that a miracle can occur in this world. The inside story of 'Deaf Jam' is that the friendship struck by the hearing and the non hearing girls is that one is Palestinian and the other is Jewish, from Israel. And they are both in America doing this extraordinary pairing of their lives.

Let's make that the kind of 'special needs' circumstances to which we focus our attention. Ohmygosh would that not make the biggest difference ever in the world.
To get you started... the initials AGB stand for Alexander Graham Bell.
Love
Deborah

RELAX!!!

Somehow I didn't think I'd be my age and still wandering around with my choice of four car seats ( depending on the age of the child with me) and getting teenagers off to school, and making sure there was always a packet of wipes nearby for hands and fingers, cheeks and chins.

So be it. I love working for/ with parents, and caring for children. It's just a passion.

Of course it's different now. These are not my own little ones or teenagers by any connection than my heart.

When they were mine, all four of them, they were my heart, my soul, my dream for them to be all they could be and enjoy that journey. And I never left them. When they were asleep it was regroup or rethink time, or put away whatever was the biggest pile , or try to stem high tide on the floor of the paraphernalia and accouterments from Fisher -Price or school. And when they were with me, there was always something else that wasn't being attended to or perhaps two things being attended to at the same time. They were into each other's business and I was sorting it out, or they weren't paying attention and I was trying to draw them in.

I had this fantasy I was going to raise them and then they would all return to the nest like the Walton's did around their big picnic table. The one thing I hadn't factored in was how much they would like their own nests.
I'm so happy for that. I raised them to be independent.

And so, I find myself wishing I had done one thing more with them. I wish I had relaxed with them more. Truly.
I wish I had just taken days upon days of their youth to just watch them play and sit with them and have conversations that went nowhere and meant nothing in the scope of world peace.

Now before I get too hard on myself I have to say our circumstances and my responsibilities were exceptional. Two of my children came into our family as very very wounded older adoptive kids. That shook up my oldest birth child and then of course there was the surprise pregnancy of my youngest ( who is actually number three in the order of things).

Much of my time was spent comforting children who were inconsolable and interpreting that to two children who were pretty secure in their bond with me.

And now that they are grown I'm truly able to spend that time with them. But ... nonetheless, I would pass this on to you.  That old poster or plaque that used to say, 'cleaning and dusting can wait for tomorrow..."?
It's a truth.  So can running around and coordinating and volunteering on committees so your child has an enriched experience.

You know what enriches your child's life? Your eyes watching them. Your heart engaged with them. Your ears listening to them.

Relax...it's sometimes the best gift you can give your child. Try it today and see if it works. Just relax.
Love
Deborah

Here's an important question that will always strengthen your relationship with your child(ren).

Ask them 'Do you want help or company?"

Assuming one or the other can lead to the butting of heads, time wasted in frustration, and/or a misguided trip down the path of parallel intentions. Any of those, as every parent knows, are difficult to turn around and move into something more positive.

Most children from age three and up will welcome the clarification. And if they don't know, that's helpful information as well. Our job is to give our children a boost. If you are helping and they only want company, you end up with a rebellious child who is trying to stall out the interaction. If you are only offering company when they really want and need help, they are frustrated and overwhelmed which also leads to the dark alley of parent/child despair.

So ask the useful question: Do you want help or just company? It almost always leads to a better place.

Love

Deborah

Wired for Sound

I'll explain the long hiatus later. Until I do think of it this way... you were headed to the car and everyone was dressed and all the things you needed were gathered and suddenly two of them needed to go potty. 'Nuff said.

To begin again...

What kind of adult do you hope to nurture your child towards becoming? Thoughtful? Responsible? Attentive? Caring? Interdependent? Playful? Someone who likes themselves?

Now I ask you...can technology get you there?

This is a story I told in my column 'Positively Speaking' found at www.vashonloop.com, but for your benefit I'll tell it again in abbreviated form.

A three and a half year old slipped off my lap during a story so he could go to the bathroom. He was worried he would miss something. He raised his hand and pushed an imaginary button on the opposing palm saying, 'pause'. When he returned he hit the same button declaring 'play'.

As you know we have become such a digital culture that kids under three know about youtube, double clicks and searches. As you also know this same technology is basically bad for kids under three. It affects their brain development by overstimulating their eyes in bad ways. It diverts them from being present in their own lives. It creates the quasi relationship where face to face is booked. Tactile is limited to keystrokes. Curiosity becomes only visual.

And then they turn three. And the decisions about what place technology is going to play in your child's life begin to be rewritten by the world's influence. While you're deciding, here's some starter limits.

The rule to follow is, NEVER LEAVE THEM ALONE WITH AN ELECTRONIC DEVICE. That will follow to good things in so many ways all the way through adolescence.

"Read" a movie the way you read a book. Save the complete run throughs for the deliciousness of old fashioned communal big screen experiences that you can introduce them to at a Saturday matinee. This same three year old I mentioned in the beginning was so mesmerized when I took him to Toy Story 3, his first big show, he stood the entire movie. He could not believe such a magical experience existed.

If they want to play with your phone, keep them near. Emphasize the relational aspects of technology.

Use speakerphone a lot so they're included. Type the email to grandparents together. Keep things age appropriate. Set the boundaries where techno culture wants to rush them ahead.

Remember that under three all the research says it's bad for their brains. Use technology during those first three years for YOU. Keep yourself tethered to other adults. Google it as you always do but without the baby on your lap.

When the boundaries begin to slip wide as they age, truly make it the information age rather than life as a need to be entertained. Remember encyclopedias and dictionaries? Think of it like that.

As always setting family traditions of what's healthy, what's not early on lays a great foundation you can reference with each passing age and stage.

So tell me... what kind of relationship do you and your household have with technology?

Love

Deborah