Just a tidbit today;something to make things easier I hope. After you have given your child an instruction, take five minutes to let them deal with it. Think of it. How many times has someone asked or told you to do something and you stall... just a little... just until you can own the idea as your own. That's what your child is doing.
Give your child a few minutes to own the thought as his or her own. It will keep you out of the power struggle. It will help you reframe the question as something they can consider. Yes, there are times when it will be necessary to say 'because I said so' and certainly we want to help our children be responsive to directions without having to question absolutely everything. But before you go for the push, help them learn to trust you and build a relationship as they receive your directions.
Example...( after the requisite five and three minute warnings). "It's time to put ( whatever) away. --beat,beat,beat-- 'Can you think of a way that you can tell yourself it's time to stop?''
Better cue.
Try it....
Love,
Deborah
Saturday, May 12, 2012
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
Speed parenting
This last week I was in bed fighting off the germs caught from several of my lovely dripping charges. Whereas twenty years ago I thought I would never know a moment alone again.......now... it is amazing to me that I can go hours on end here at home with no one asking for anything, sharing anything, or just checking to make sure I'm still here.
Moments that seemed so intense I thought time had stopped, decisions that seemed so weighty I thought the world's gravitational pulled relied on them, encounters so significant I envisioned ruining my childrens' adult lives if I did not make them happen, and the endless procession of meal plans or menus at the end proved themselves to be fleeting at best.
Now , two of my children are involved with those moments in the lives of their own children. The other two are feeling the weight of the day's responsibilities in ever increasing ways the same as any other grown adult: too much 'to do' list and too short a day.
Remember to stop for just sixty seconds today, really gaze at your child or each of your children if you are so blessed and say to yourself, "This is the last day they will be this old." Then savour it. No... really savour it. Soon enough they will be gone and their only presence or demand will be a gallery of photos hung on the wall asking to be dusted.
No matter the demands of today, it is but for a moment. Remember to thank them for being your child.
Love,
Deborah
Moments that seemed so intense I thought time had stopped, decisions that seemed so weighty I thought the world's gravitational pulled relied on them, encounters so significant I envisioned ruining my childrens' adult lives if I did not make them happen, and the endless procession of meal plans or menus at the end proved themselves to be fleeting at best.
Now , two of my children are involved with those moments in the lives of their own children. The other two are feeling the weight of the day's responsibilities in ever increasing ways the same as any other grown adult: too much 'to do' list and too short a day.
Remember to stop for just sixty seconds today, really gaze at your child or each of your children if you are so blessed and say to yourself, "This is the last day they will be this old." Then savour it. No... really savour it. Soon enough they will be gone and their only presence or demand will be a gallery of photos hung on the wall asking to be dusted.
No matter the demands of today, it is but for a moment. Remember to thank them for being your child.
Love,
Deborah
Sunday, April 22, 2012
As the sun sets....
Just a note of encouragement to all of you who are doing battle with the bedtime routine.......remember to keep it simple and direct, expect kickback but honor your own maturity in being able to repeat after me:
"I hear that this is not something you want to do, but the day is over and now is the time to let your body fall asleep. I love you."
"I hear that this is not something you want to do, but the day is over and now is the time to let your body fall asleep. I love you."
Put the Suitcase Down!!
Considering we spend our twenties, and into our thirties a bit, separating from our parents emotionally and historically it's no wonder most of us bring to parenting the thought of separating our parenting from the way we were parented.
If you have children later, say late thirties or into your forties, you also bring all the workplace circumstances you've experienced and the thought, "I don't want my child(ren) to end up like THAT person.
They are good thoughts. But most parents over correct. They end up doing a 180 degree change instead of a 90 degree change. If you do a 180 you end up with the same thing you are trying to avoid. Think carefully and develop a good solid assessment and strategy for what you are trying to enact.
Assess:
What is the behavior? How did it develop from your parent's history? How was it transferred to your life? How did you react? Why do you want the results or the behavior to be extincted?
Enact:
What will give you the desired behavior? What are the small steps that will lead to the big steps? How is your child(ren) going to react? What will your response be if you can't effect change?
Whether it's habits or values, traditions or routines personalizing your parenting for the heritage you want to pass on to your child(ren) is important.
Review:
Taking a look again at those changes as you mature as a parent, as your child grows older and as your relationship with your story and heritage evolve is important.
Love,
Deborah
If you have children later, say late thirties or into your forties, you also bring all the workplace circumstances you've experienced and the thought, "I don't want my child(ren) to end up like THAT person.
They are good thoughts. But most parents over correct. They end up doing a 180 degree change instead of a 90 degree change. If you do a 180 you end up with the same thing you are trying to avoid. Think carefully and develop a good solid assessment and strategy for what you are trying to enact.
Assess:
What is the behavior? How did it develop from your parent's history? How was it transferred to your life? How did you react? Why do you want the results or the behavior to be extincted?
Enact:
What will give you the desired behavior? What are the small steps that will lead to the big steps? How is your child(ren) going to react? What will your response be if you can't effect change?
Whether it's habits or values, traditions or routines personalizing your parenting for the heritage you want to pass on to your child(ren) is important.
Review:
Taking a look again at those changes as you mature as a parent, as your child grows older and as your relationship with your story and heritage evolve is important.
Love,
Deborah
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Engaging Childhood
I heard a talk radio show today asking for feedback about some parenting strategy that has found new interest. It involves 'giving the illusion of choices'.
Trickery. Are you parenting by giving trickery a part in your interactions with your children? If children are given 'illusions of choices' when they are little, they will not recognize 'real choices' when they are tweeners, teens and then young adults.
You set the tone for what kind of choices your child will recognize in the future and how they will respond.
And here's the other thing. You don't need to manipulate your child. What you need to do is learn who your child is and then sit in the space of how he operates and translate his choices for him.
There is no magic to raising children. There is only real hard, engaging work.
A short one today. But deep...Leave a comment. Tell me what you think.
Love
Deborah
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
Sit Down
I don't think I told you the best trick of all yet. It's a trick for you and a trick for your kids. When you feel overwhelmed or the kids aren't listening to you or there is something wrong and you're about to take it out on the kids, SIT DOWN ON THE FLOOR.
Yessireee that is the best advice any parent can be given. You know what happens? Instantly things get better. The kids relax immediately because it's a sign of engagement for them. You relax immediately because you can't move in some fruitless direction. Then the kids become a little happier and start doing things like putting there hands on your face and turning it in their direction which emits that lovely spontaneous bonding moment of ' oh my kid loves me'. and thus the dance becomes a waltz instead of a tug o' war.
Can this work with tweens and teens? Yes... but it makes more sense to them if you have a bag of chips in your hands. Raw carrots and dip works too but that may not be such a spontaneous moment.
There are times words don't work. There are times you have to just change your body position. Take yourself out of play and into play instead if you know what I mean.
There's always a chance for the reset button to work. But remember it takes time to reboot after you hit the reset button. Don't rush it. When you feel that urge to get back up, take two more minutes and breath deeply.
It's all good . It all gets better.
And if by chance you just stay on the floor. There's a blessing in that too.
Enjoy...
Love,
Deborah
Yessireee that is the best advice any parent can be given. You know what happens? Instantly things get better. The kids relax immediately because it's a sign of engagement for them. You relax immediately because you can't move in some fruitless direction. Then the kids become a little happier and start doing things like putting there hands on your face and turning it in their direction which emits that lovely spontaneous bonding moment of ' oh my kid loves me'. and thus the dance becomes a waltz instead of a tug o' war.
Can this work with tweens and teens? Yes... but it makes more sense to them if you have a bag of chips in your hands. Raw carrots and dip works too but that may not be such a spontaneous moment.
There are times words don't work. There are times you have to just change your body position. Take yourself out of play and into play instead if you know what I mean.
There's always a chance for the reset button to work. But remember it takes time to reboot after you hit the reset button. Don't rush it. When you feel that urge to get back up, take two more minutes and breath deeply.
It's all good . It all gets better.
And if by chance you just stay on the floor. There's a blessing in that too.
Enjoy...
Love,
Deborah
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
The Power of 'Yes'
Perhaps it's because I've a new crowd of teenagers with whom I'm hanging out lately or the four year olds making life more glittery and fun lately, but I've been noticing the stark difference between 'yes' and 'no' lately.
Saying 'yes' to your child is the most important word you can give them.
It affirms their ideas. It clarifies the power they feel to make decisions, have good ideas and foster relationships.
Reaching for 'yes' as the default mode in conversations and negotiations with your children will light up their day.
So, simply put, a simple nugget for today, when you are on the fly and movin' fast through your day, take the time to slow down and say 'yes'. Saying 'yes' means you may have to find the piece of the conversation you can affirm. It means you may have to find the part of their idea or request to which you can say 'yes'.
By becoming 'yes' parents, we teach our children to say 'yes' to themselves, to new adventures, to the good in life.
Too much parenting info in placed in the instructional value of saying 'no'. The proper way to say 'no' is to figure out that part to which you can say 'yes'.
Try it for a day... a week . See how the shift into the positive and the affirmative feels.
Love
Deborah
Saying 'yes' to your child is the most important word you can give them.
It affirms their ideas. It clarifies the power they feel to make decisions, have good ideas and foster relationships.
Reaching for 'yes' as the default mode in conversations and negotiations with your children will light up their day.
So, simply put, a simple nugget for today, when you are on the fly and movin' fast through your day, take the time to slow down and say 'yes'. Saying 'yes' means you may have to find the piece of the conversation you can affirm. It means you may have to find the part of their idea or request to which you can say 'yes'.
By becoming 'yes' parents, we teach our children to say 'yes' to themselves, to new adventures, to the good in life.
Too much parenting info in placed in the instructional value of saying 'no'. The proper way to say 'no' is to figure out that part to which you can say 'yes'.
Try it for a day... a week . See how the shift into the positive and the affirmative feels.
Love
Deborah
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