Food for Thought

Around the world, what children and teens eat makes such a difference in their lives. And for the hundreds of thousands going hungry everyday, what they are not eating makes a difference too...understatement.

Here in America we have the best of choices to be made and an entire advertising industry wanting to skew out powers of observation.

Helping your child eat well begins during pregnancy, even for adoption. It continues with the addition of solids beginning from six months or so.

Simplify things a little bit by dividing foods into categories:
Must haves: Veggies, Fruits, Protein, Healthy Fats, all the foods bones and brains and skin and muscles need.
Family traditions: Favorites that are part of your culture
Seasonal Treats: Foods that appear in season in your particular part of the world
Guilty Pleasures: Those rare and wonderful moments that are about celebration and mouth happiness.

Nowhere on that list is the hyped promo foods that are trending. Observe what you eat and why. Observe you baby, child and teens' preferences. Like potty training, your children need to take responsibility for their food choices early on. Make becoming nutritionally savvy a big priority.

Keep the four food groups I mentioned above in balance. No child needs to eat nothing but healthy. Mouth happiness is OK. Move out of family traditions and find new recipes and new foods. Make it an adventure you go on together as a family.  Freeze or can seasonal treats rather than eating from another part of the world. Enjoy your guilty pleasures and call them what they are, treats.

And remember, eating at table together is one of the best gifts you can give your children.
Encouraging you in the basics. No advertising needed.
Love,
Deborah

Give yourself a break

Yesterday I was reminded of how intensely I observe children. Getting through meals with preparation , serving and eating, constantly anticipating what's going to go wrong and be a safety or care issue, thinking up new and interesting ways to be in relationship, listening as they try to get their thoughts out then lose track or grow self conscious, all take enormous amounts of concentration and being 'on' no matter what the age. From infancy to young adulthood we focus so much on our kids we literally lose ourselves.

So today I give you the tip of the century. Think of yourself as an air traffic controller. Your responsibilities are the same, the pressures are the same, the skill set is the same. They take a break every fifteen minutes! Do you?  Do it. Every fifteen minutes, absent yourself from the game for just a minute or two. Things will be fine. You will be fresher, and more attentive and less resentful of the demands.

Whistle a happy tune, think about a hobby, attend to something that needs to be put on 'the to do list'. Obviously stay physically present, but just check out for a minute. Yes, make sure all is well before you take your mini break. And no more than sixty seconds or so...but change your focus. Watch a butterfly out the window, change the radio channel, something that freshens you a bit.

You will be able to hang in there for the long haul much more easily. More small breaks makes you feel less desperate to disengage. Try it... You'll see it works.
Love,
Deborah

Balance

Aghhh! Halloween! Many parents' moral dilemma....and kids' favorite holiday. Halloween is, as my colleague Lana Rae once noted, all about kids having power! Yea power!

But the candy, the scary, the excess, the peer pressure. Yikes! What to do?? It's simple. Review the last ten days and build a program of balance into the celebration.

Have they been to three different birthday parties in the last ten days? Dial down the candy. Was the last party two months ago? Splurge a little bit.

Do clowns scare them? Stick to family and friends for trick or treating. Are they fearless? Hit the mall.

Holidays, like any other experience, are best celebrated in the flow of life. Decisions are easier made when you see where you and your children have been activity wise and what's coming up in the next few days.

Rules made out of the context of life become meaningless and arbitrary and usually have to do with our personal baggage and not everyday reality.

Have fun tomorrow as a family. It means harvest is over and it's time to hunker down for a cozy, reflective winter of indoor sports and gatherings and celebrations and weather that makes us appreciate the rotation of days.
Love,
Deborah

Across the Board

Let me show you why you have to just settle in for the long haul.

For example, tears. Tears when you are pregnant or enduring the adoption process may be emotionally driven, or physically driven, or reactionary to an event or another person's actions.

Tears in a baby may be emotionally driven or physically driven, or reactionary to an event or another person's actions.

Tears in a preschooler may be....
Tears in a latency child...
Tears in a tweener...
A teen...
A young adult

Get the idea? The challenge with parenting is not that the days are so long and the situations are so complicated. The challenge with parenting is that the problems get solved and then suddenly you're right back where you started from, in both your child and yourself.

So how do you accept the repetitive nature of parenting? Pace yourself. Change your expectations. Remind yourself eventually there will be new pleasures that will mediate the struggles and hard physical and emotional work. Commit to the sacrifice. Teach yourself to love one new part of the process every six months.
If you don't, resentment will build. Not good.
Let me know what you think.
Love,
Deborah

Why you don't ever need to spank

Next time your in line in the grocery store and someone has , say, more than the allotted number of items just step forward and swat 'em a good one on the butt. Or if they are crowding you as you are being rung out, take you hand and smack them on the back of the wrist while scolding , 'stop that!!'.

Rediculous advice isn't? All over adult culture there is a taboo against hitting, striking, or swatting other adults. Yet in some circles, hitting children is seen as not only OK but good for them.

If you are in that fulture, stop that. Next time tell yourself :
A. It doesn't help, teach, guide , direct, or nurture.
B. Your child loses respect for and trust in you when you do it.
C. It's really bad for you because it makes you a violent person.

If they aren't listening and obeying either find another way to say it, move them away from the area, or try again later.

But never hit! OK? Never hit. If you wouldn't do it to an adult, don't do it to a child! Seriously.
Love,
Deborah

Peaceful Parenting

My thought for you this evening as the sun sets behind the mountains, is of peace. Inner peace.

Do you remember a time before the hecticness  of children when you had perhaps five minutes of total peace

I'm tired tonight and a lengthy post is not in the cards, but I want to remind you that one of the most important things you can do is model inner peace for your child. Make sure you create, and they catch you, having a few seconds 'off duty'. Let them see your personhood peeking through. In less than a decade they will be pretty much their own person, whether they are still in your womb, a preschooler or a teen.

Show them what it looks like to be a person by letting them see you have a moment of inner peace.
Have a nice night's rest is what we say in our house.
Love,
Deborah

Seeing the Best

This morning I had the chance to watch a father loping along for a morning walk, bundle of tussled hair strapped to his back, face buried into Daddy's shoulder, obviously asleep by the way his body's limply  bouncing limbs mimicked Dad's gait and stride.

I remember the peace of feeling my children on my back as I walked to wherever when they were young. All my authority as a parent grew stronger within me knowing they were up and out of harm's way and we were moving forward.

It is, however, the face to face moments that prove challenging as parents. Looking into their eyes and or having them look into mine created opportunities for growth and joy,or power struggles and melt downs. Interactions are the rudders of relationship boats.

Here's what I suggest . When you look into your child's eyes, remember from whence they have come. Call to mind their ability to be in a different place, to learn, to grow. See their gifts and talents. See their hopes and desires. See their trust and love. Imagine who they will be as adults...in a good way. Then speak your affirmation or instruction out of that.

Whether you are holding a newborn or going toe to toe with a teen, or somewhere in between, slow yourself down at least once a week, if not more often to just look in your child's eyes to see their past, the growth, and the possibilities for the future.

It is comforting and peaceful when they are strapped to us or asleep in safety, but the substance of parenting happens eye to eye. Make the most of it. While your mouth is moving, let tour heart be touched by what your eyes see. It will change the course of your famil's boat.
Love,
Deborah

Self Care and/or Self Nurture

There's always a little guilt in writing this blog. Since the kids are all grown, some of them with kids of their own, my time and relationship to time is very different than when there were four demanding kids and a hungry husband at home.

What has astounded me is how minimal my self care and self nurture have been. With thelast child   officially on her own with a completely developed pre frontal cortex, I am struggling to put in place the good habits I streamlined or stripped to the bare minimum while I was raising the kids and leading a family.

Silly things like taking off my make up faithfully and moisturizing and exercising as well as the bigger task of feeding my brain and ministering to my soul present themselves in such a way I find myself falling into old self talk that says I don't have time.

Here's my point. Be careful how much you beat up on yourself. You are, indeed, much busier than you think you are! Applaud yourself for the little you are able to do and pat yourself on the back if you even have the remotest sense of self. The day will come when you will have more time. Truly. I promise. For now, indulge yourself as much self care and self nurture as you can. Be at peace. Raising children is a sacrificial activity. You're doing great!
Love,
Deborah

The Never Ending Question

If you notice, the pattern starts when they are just learning to babble. The sound cycle is repeated as they look intently at your face. They expect that when they use sound you will watch their face and their eyes. They hold your face in their chubby little hands exploring the lips that move with sound coming out and the attending smile as the newness of chatting with them has not worn off.

And then words happen. You don't always look at them when you are talking. Suddenly you are in some situation in which you are concentrating and you don't even notice the same question has just been asked of you maybe four or five times. Your focus is intent beyond them, but your ears are alert to their words. The question is asked...let's say it's maybe...'Why does butter melt?"  a factual interrogative. You answer, 'Because it's warm today.', pat yourself on the back several times for multi tasking and attending to the child in your care, perhaps your own, perhaps someone else's, and then hearing the question again you answer again.

On the fourth or fifth cycle, something in the back of your brain tells you this mountain has been circled before.

Your response? 'I already answered that'. Full stop . Only it isn't. The question comes again. Now there's a blank stare.

This is not a phenomenon limited to toddlers or preschoolers. In fact it becomes more frustrating as everyone ages. In elementary age it is annoying, tweeners...frustrating, teenagers...cause for ire.

So what gives? How do you answer the question so they stop asking?

Quick tip. You don't. The answer is not the problem. Their hearing, their listening is the problem.

Take two minutes when you notice the repeating pattern and ask them what they heard. Blank stare in response? Repeat your answer once directing them to look in your eyes and listen carefully. Ask them again what they've heard. They may be confused now because they weren't really listening to what they said.

So repeat the question/answer one more time helping them focus their listening. Direct them to pay attention to what they are hearing.

See...the problem arose because nobody was engaged. The dreadful truth about any kind of conversation is that there has to be a fairly direct degree of engagement in order for it to happen effectively.

Them repeating the question is their acknowledgement that you aren't engaged with hearing with your whole being, OR to be fair, they aren't engaged with their own speaking.

If you go the route of 'I already answered that' a power struggle or war of words ensues.

Instead...break the cycle and hit the reset button by making the focus of the engagement more pointed.
Truly...easiest way out of this. And then gradually, incident by incident, they develop a habit -- and you do too- of paying more attention during conversation.
Try it. Worth a shot. Better than the alternative.
Love,
Deborah

Spring Forward

Whew... it is good to be able to play outside without sixteen layers of clothing that can be alternating put on and taken off as wee muscles warm up and then cool down.

Longer days bring challenges with early evening activites like winding down and going to sleep for little ones, but give parents a wonderful sense of hours to spend after the energy in the house is replaced by the ability to focus on chores or recreation without the heightened enthusiasm or drama of children.

Allergies, fruits and vegetables that are freshly picked, road trips long and short, adventures in hospitality, end of school year final events and anticipation of the next step in the school year are all the gatherings that mark the passage of the darkness of winter with the greater lighter step and freedom that Spring and Summer bring.

Remember to record the events, the changes, the memories. This past week when my youngest daughter who is now twenty five rejoiced that I had saved the fourth -fifth grade laminated baseball team participation certificate I thought of all the times my children have scolded me for 'keeping all this junk'.

But we are the keepers of their history until they can keep it themselves.
Note the days. Mark the moments. Record the milestones.

For those who scrapbook and journal diligently ...kudos to you........
But throwing it all in a box to discover again when they're grown works just as well.
Have fun with your babies, or children or tweens,or, yes, even teens today. It's a moment in time that will not come again.
Love,
Deborah